Saying Good-Bye

So we are writing this as we say good-bye to yet another.  We would have written about this earlier, however, we went to see family for Christmas (early) and because of the circumstances I became sick and am now just starting to feel “normal” again.  We even debated on whether to share this or not, but in the end we told ourselves it is part of our journey to fill our nest; and besides we’ve never held back before.  So why start now.

So for those who have followed regularly on my ferning and have wondered what it meant I can tell you it is, to me, good news versus bad.  Though the result is sad/bad news I must see the silver lining.  The good news first is I was pregnant 🙂 woot woot.

However, on 12/12/12 the flood gates opened and we said good-bye to our 3rd little angel.  I am sad, or I should say we are sad and though most do not understand how we are the way we are when faced with sad circumstances yet again… we choose to see the positives and focus on those rather than the things that make us sad.  Perhaps it is a coping mechanism, however you want to call it.. it is what it is and I’d rather us be that way then the other.  For if it were that way we’d be in a deep, and I mean deep, hole and would never come out again.

We in a sense were prepared that it may happen because it was so long since I had a cycle, March 2012 to November 2012… that is a lot of months in between.  And the cycle in November was not enough in my eyes to have cleaned out all the old lining.  With that being the case it was a high chance that the lining was not healthy enough to carry to term.  Despite this we still hoped and prayed just maybe it would stick, but it did not. When the lining is old it is toxic and not an ideal situation for the egg to grow and mature.  However, I am sure everything and then some is out now.

We have had our time to grieve and do as we needed once we got back home.  I think the hardest part was that we didn’t really get to grieve fully till a couple of days ago.  To really think about it and let it sit in.  The reason for this is it happened the night before we left to go home and see family.  Call me insane I insisted on going anyways because we have not been with family for a holiday in like 5 years and it usually never happens.  Plus, I did not want to ruin anyones holiday with our sad news.  So Mr. O and I kept our mouth shut, sucked it up and went home.  We did not tell anyone except our moms, which even then we did not plan on doing.  Since I was bleeding so much, I cannot remember how many times I bleed through my pants (in public no less) and had to wash and change them.  I was wearing the ultra tampons (didn’t have a choice) with a pad and bleeding through them in less than an hour.  This is no joke.  This went on until that Sunday, and Sunday it started to die down a bit.

So in this happening we tried to play it off as if Aunt Flo had come for a visit, but Mr. O figured with his mom being a nurse would know better, so he told her when I was in the bathroom at one point dealing with another mess.  And as for my mom finding out, it happened in a round about way, which was not planned at all.  None of our other family knew what was going on with me and I wanted to keep it this way.  If you are a family member and now just reading this, please do not be mad that we did not say anything.  It was for sanity and personal reasons at that point.

Well, then we got back home and because I did not let my body just rest and I was losing so much blood I ended up getting sick this last week 😦 which is was not fun.  I know I should have rested more and probably should have stayed home, but I would not change my choice to see family if I had to do it all over again.  I miss my family dearly and I wanted to see them.  On top of that my grandparents are not getting any younger and I want every chance I can to see them.

So we went and bought balloons and let them go, as way to say good-bye to the one we just lost and to say we are thinking about all three of our angels this Christmas.  We got a star shaped balloon and picked the color for the months birthstone we lost them in.  So we got a red one for the first one we lost in January, an orange for the 2nd one we lost in November, and a blue for this one we just lost this December.

We, also, lit 3 candles… one for each one we lost and they are still burning as I write this.  They have been going since this morning and we will let them keep burning till they go out on their own.  There is a picture below 🙂

We did a little video if you want to check it out on our vlog channel: click here.  It is a short quick video and would love for you to watch it.  It is about a minute and a half.

In the end we are staying positive in thoughts because it shows I am making progress with my weight loss and that I am ovulating again and hormones are balancing 🙂 all these are positives to us.  We are not giving up yet and will of course keep you posted.  We have decided not to check ferning for the rest of this month and we might not in January because of what has happened.  I just want to focus on my weight loss as originally planned, as I know now that I am ovulating.  If it happens it happens, but I want my focus on becoming healthy again and kicking PCOS… you know.  I may change my mind, we will see.

If you have any questions I may have not touched on please feel free to ask in a comment to this post and I will answer.  Do not be afraid to ask, as the reason we share this story and the rest of our journey we do not mind answering your questions.  There is not TMI to us.

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6 thoughts on “Saying Good-Bye

  1. Angel's Mummy says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I had eclampsia in July and had emergency c section at 29 weeks. Our son weighed 800 grams. After 29 days of fighting it out in nicu, he passed away. My husband and I grieve for him constantly. The loss has been so inexplicably painful. I have lost faith in God. Still trying to come to terms with the loss. I’m very touched by this blog. Thank you for being so honest and positive. I wish the both of you all the best. You both will make wonderful parents… Soon I hope.

    • Mr & Mrs O says:

      Thanks for your kind words and sharing your story. I am sorry for your loss. Our first loss I struggled with faith but wasn’t really mad at God. I questioned stuff a lot which is human I think.

      However reality to me is God often gets blamed for the bad and I remind myself satan is the one who lies and steals our joys. Though I don’t always understand why things happen or the famous why didn’t God stop it from happening but I realized I won’t always know why or understand situations. Perhaps maybe I never will but I have hope in knowing ill see them again and knowing God will keep them safe and use them for something good.

      I once heard a story of a lady who lost her child and felt horrible like maybe she didn’t do enough. Well she got a message from her child that said he was loved more than some children ever experience in the life they lived and that he lived a full and wonderful life. So maybe you will find comfort in your child knew love and still knows love. That in their short life they were loved by you more than most get in a lifetime.

      Prayers sent your way. I hope and pray you will grow in time with your faith and find peace. You will go through the process and grieve and be angry. Which you need to do. Just don’t stay there.

      I almost did and it only hurt me more. Jesus loves you and still is with you. He feels your pain and loss. God knows better than anyone what it is like to lose a child. He has not forsaken you. Hope these words help in some way to remind He is there holding you through this process even though we feel like He is not.

      Hugs to you and your husband.

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