So I was sitting here just thinking and for some reason the weirdest thought came to me. Why I even thought about it is beyond me or where it even came from is a bit boggling… either way it had me wondering about a fear I never really knew I had until now. A fear of being alone in the end… and not just any type of alone the alone feeling a non-parent would probably only have… let me clarify.
I was thinking about the fact that when you are old you get to enjoy watching your children grow and their children. The joy of being a grandparent and knowing your family line goes on. Watching your little family keep on growing and living on. Just the knowing that a piece of you will live on in each one of those individuals. It probably gives you some sort of peace in knowing this and that when the time comes for you to take on your next journey in life you will have a sense of happiness in knowing these things.
But what happens when it cannot or does not? I mean it is a possibility this is what will happen to my hubs and I; not that I want it to or am giving up on the dream of being a mom some day. I then thought how I never want to be in a nursing home, but what if I was?? Who would come visit me?? Besides my husband, I mean I would have no children or grandchildren to care for me or visit me (not that I want to have to be taken care of). The bigger fear was in having no one to share my husband’s and I’s little family traditions, hopes, dreams, life’s stories with. Having those things passed on to anyone. As if when my husband and I are gone that part of the family line vanishes a little each day until each person who may have known you is gone. Pretty sad actually, but there you have it. An unkind and unwanted morbid thought that crossed my mind.
It really just hit like a ton of bricks that if I come to the terms of accepting I will never be a mom I have to grasp the reality of this fear. Or more so a thought of unhappiness. It really makes me sick to my stomach actually to think about it. Even while I write this and the only reason I am sharing this is I am hoping I am not the only one who has thought this or perhaps even if you had not, that by reading this, it will be realized I am not alone in this semi morbid thought.
How I wish that no one would ever have to feel this way or face infertility. How I wish more than anything that someone or somehow we would be blessed with a child and not that it even has to be by birth. Even if it was someone who said here we have a child you can adopt or that some day we would get an anonymous gift of money (or a not anonymous) that would pay for an adoption. More than that I hope this for all those out there who suffer as we do and deserve to have their little miracle bundle of joy.