As I sit here and stare at this blanks slate I debate on whether to share these thoughts or not. Maybe more fearful someone will take my words wrong, but I did say I would share my journey: ups and downs. However, I won’t share the full of what happened I think there is something worth sharing because it may just help another fellow believer who is facing infertility or suffering with something in their life.
I know my faith has been tested in many ways and despite that it has not wavered me from standing my ground with faith. Now do not mistake that as I have never cried or struggled or questioned because believe me I have. After all I am human and faith does not make that easier to deal with. In fact I believe it makes your life’s walk harder. I have still questioned things, I have hurt in many ways, I have been confused, I have even wondered if God knew my struggles, even thought myself unworthy of being blessed; among other things. I’ve probably gone through most things others who believe and face infertility. Though I would not in a long shot consider myself perfect or blameless, but most who know me know I stick to my beliefs. Even after being told I would never have children I refused to believe it because God can make the impossible possible. He even showed me I could get pregnant and though I had miscarried back then I still was not mad, maybe confused, but I still kept my faith. I chose to see the silver lining in things and trust God, even when I don’t understand. Even with all the things I have faced I have never once questioned my love for God, nor have I been mad at Him… that is until one day last month.
Just confessing that to whomever reads this makes me cringe, but I think it would be naive to believe we don’t have a moment like this in our life for one reason or another. Anger can manifest differently for everyone and I say I have done well considering my struggle with miscarriages and infertility has been going on for 11 plus years.
As I recall that day I remember being overwhelmed with sadness only to have anger creep up my back. It felt like a hot wave coming over me, one that swallowed me whole; and honestly took me by great surprise. I felt consumed, so much so, I honestly do not remember everything I said. I remember feeling like God did not care, that he had abandoned me years ago. I remember saying something about how if he was all-powerful why couldn’t he just give me the one thing I wanted: a child. Why did He allow me to keep losing little miracles. I remember feeling like why do I bother believing, what good comes of it. It seems like those who don’t believe get what they want, they even seem happy, or at least happier than I am at times. I even thought what it would be like if I joined them, just so I could be happy. Though that was blind ideals of happiness and having a baby. I thought of how people would tell me to let God know the desires of my heart or how if I just ask I will receive. Well, truthfully that was not working for me because believe me He knows my desires, He knows what I want and I have told Him more times than I can remember. However, I had had enough because I didn’t think I could take anymore. It was a breaking point, that almost consumed my faith….
I remember at one point my husband coming over to me and trying to find words that would help me, but could not. I think at one point he thought he had lost me. I cried the most I have cried in a long time, and looked so lost and empty. My husband said he had never seen me like this before and was scared that it had broken me and more than anything that was the last thing he wanted to see happen. One thing he has loved me is my unwavering faith and how I view things. But honestly I felt like my faith was leaving me and I couldn’t keep ahold of it and at that point my husband put his hand on my head, without saying anything… he just stood there as I sat crying on the couch. Maybe he was praying, maybe he just wanted me to know he was there for me, either way my crying began slow and I looked up at my husband and said: “I just can’t do it….” as I paused he just looked at me in question as I finished with, “I still love Him!” “I do! I love God!” At that very moment I had a release that no words can describe and I felt God had hug me as a peace came over me. At that moment both my husband and I realized it did not completely break me; I still could not part from my faith. I was relieved to know that what I thought would break me had not.
The next couple days I still felt not complete though. I felt like I was just walking through a haze. Then one day as I was sitting alone on the couch I just started crying and told God I was still confused and asked what was I doing wrong? What do I need to change so I can have the desire I most want? I just need to know because I feel so lost. Part of me wanted to quit, but knew He did not want me to. I even told him how I had felt bad for losing it and being angry. Just then I heard a still small voice tell me to me to search: how long did Job suffer. Of course I wanted to know why, but knew better and searched those words. I then opened the first thing I saw, and the first thing I read is a a question: Have you experienced pain and suffering? Followed by … you also may find God much closer than you thought.
As I sat there I thought back to how so many had compared me to Job throughout my life. I had read the book of Job years ago, and thought what could I possibly get from reading this when I have already read the book of Job. Not sure where it was going I knew God had brought me to it for a reason, and I really had nothing to lose by reading it. Obedience paid off because I had so many questions answered, and discovered that sometimes we may not get what we need from something in God’s word until the moment is right, and that moment was that day for me.
As I kept reading it went on to explain that Job suffered because he was among the best, not because he was the worst or that he had even done anything wrong. So the tests began for Job and God still insisted to satan that Job loved Him, and would no matter what happened. Reading further it explains how Job lashed out, suffered and was even told that he had sinned to have deserved what he was going through. Even showed moments when he questioned God.
I started to see so much of Job’s suffering as relatable.
I have often wondered why did I end up with PCOS and why I couldn’t be healed. Instead I have been lead to believe I had not believed hard enough for the healing or that I had done something wrong or was missing something so that is why I was not healed. This has always added to my confusion. On top of wondering why I had gone through other things I had and why the miscarriages.
After reading I realized that though I am not Job, I can relate. I even wonder how many of my fellow believing Cysters or those dealing with infertility have felt the same. If you ever felt that perhaps you were doing something wrong to deserve what you are going through. I hope that in sharing this you will realize what I did.
Though I suffer and have suffered a lot I have not done anything wrong and in knowing this satan can no longer hold this over me. Perhaps like Job my journey is show satan that even if I go through this trial that despite what I face I still choose to believe. I choose to still LOVE God in spite of everything, even when I have done nothing to deserve the trials I have faced. My choice to do so is powerful. I am saying that God is still God no matter what, and is worthy of my love and worship. I am putting satan in his place by showing him no matter what he is allowed to do on this earth that I along with others will still choose God. There are those who will love Him unconditionally, just as He loves us.
So that day I thought would break me allowed for God to show me something that perhaps I would not have been able to see without it happening. I am pretty sure that satan was using it to break me, and I am sure he had a moment where he thought he had won. However, he was soon put in his place when I spoke, with such force, my love for God. Though I did not realize how powerful my words were at that point, I do now. I, also, realize God has not left me and has chosen this journey for me for a reason, just as He chooses a journey for each of us. I hope that you will choose to love and trust Him no matter what you face, even when you have done nothing to deserve it.
In my moment of anger I found a renewed love for God and a deeper trust and understanding of my relationship with Him. For this I am thankful. My anger brought about something beautiful.
I LOVE Him, and I chose to TRUST Him!