2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 6,800 times in 2013. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Songs of My Inner Child

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There is something about being outdoors with the smell of Fall in the air. It is by far my favorite season, followed by Winter & Spring. I truly never realized how my heart yearned for the Midwest, until we came back to the area. Ten years with no seasons was something I thought I had fallen in love with. Little did I know how deceived I was – silly me for thinking I could squash my love of being outdoors.
Stepping outside today to go on a walk just awakened my favorite memories of loves I once lost.
Sun rays on my face that feel as though God is tickling my face with happiness.
The cool brisk air with a wind that brings the smells of leaves and wood that awaken my inner child. A child who wants to dance with the leaves and climb in the trees. I swear I hear the leaves calling me by name saying come and play like you once did. Gather us up so we can hide you from your troubles. Oh if for just a moment I could do just that… Jump in and burry myself and forget being an adult. To be a kid again.
My inner child has been summoned by the beauty of nature God created; singing songs of memories past. Oh to let it be free to run and play and rewind to a time when the world seemed so innocent and my imagination could take me anywhere.

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Fear: Alone in the End

So I was sitting here just thinking and for some reason the weirdest thought came to me.  Why I even thought about it is beyond me or where it even came from is a bit boggling… either way it had me wondering about a fear I never really knew I had until now.  A fear of being alone in the end… and not just any type of alone the alone feeling a non-parent would probably only have… let me clarify.

I was thinking about the fact that when you are old you get to enjoy watching your children grow and their children.  The joy of being a grandparent and knowing your family line goes on.  Watching your little family keep on growing and living on.  Just the knowing that a piece of you will live on in each one of those individuals. It probably gives you some sort of peace in knowing this and that when the time comes for you to take on your next journey in life you will have a sense of happiness in knowing these things.

But what happens when it cannot or does not?  I mean it is a possibility this is what will happen to my hubs and I; not that I want it to or am giving up on the dream of being a mom some day.  I then thought how I never want to be in a nursing home, but what if I was??  Who would come visit me??  Besides my husband, I mean I would have no children or grandchildren to care for me or visit me (not that I want to have to be taken care of).  The bigger fear was in having  no one to share my husband’s and I’s little family traditions, hopes, dreams, life’s stories with.  Having those things passed on to anyone.  As if when my husband and I are gone that part of the family line vanishes a little each day until each person who may have known you is gone.  Pretty sad actually, but there you have it.  An unkind and unwanted morbid thought that crossed my mind.

It really just hit like a ton of bricks that if I come to the terms of accepting I will never be a mom I have to grasp the reality of this fear.  Or more so a thought of unhappiness.  It really makes me sick to my stomach actually to think about it.  Even while I write this and the only reason I am sharing this is I am hoping I am not the only one who has thought this or perhaps even if you had not, that by reading this, it will be realized I am not alone in this semi morbid thought.

How I wish that no one would ever have to feel this way or face infertility.  How I wish more than anything that someone or somehow we would be blessed with a child and not that it even has to be by birth.  Even if it was someone who said here we have a child you can adopt or that some day we would get an anonymous gift of money (or a not anonymous) that would pay for an adoption.  More than that I hope this for all those out there who suffer as we do and deserve to have their little miracle bundle of joy.

 

Priceless Cyster Moments

momentsThere are days and moments that are priceless.  We often see posts about the things that cost something and then lead up to that moment that we would define as priceless.  I am sure we have all had priceless moments in life; maybe some sad, happy, funny, embarrassing etc.  However, it came to my attention as a Cyster there are moments in life that I would define as priceless, and something only a Cyster can experience.  If you have ever experienced this moment for yourself you know what I am talking about.

I believe I can safely say that it is far easier for a Cyster to meet a Cyster online, whether on a forum, site, support group, blog, facebook… you name it you will find many Cysters online; and I am sure most would agree.  I have met far more online in one way or another than I have met face to face.  And it is moments when you make a connection online with a Cyster that is priceless.  The ones you talk with and message back and forth and are there for each other; those are the best.  It is that moment when you realize you are not alone in your fight, which often times you feel you are.  I would not trade any of those connections I’ve made with fellow Cysters online for anything.  You are all priceless moments in my life.

However, there have been many times I’ve hoped and wished that I could meet some of those Cysters face to face; to be able to hang out and… I don’t know… do girl things.  Having friends that are Cysters is something we hope and dream for because they are the ones who can support us in ways no one else can.  They provide you that shoulder to cry on when no one else will, and an ear for listening when you feel like everyone else just lets it go in one ear and out the other.  How many Cysters have felt this way?  I am thinking countless.  There is just something about being able to see the Cyster face to face that makes a difference, but we often settle because we do not have a choice.

Now the chance that you get to meet a Cyster face to face is what I would consider an ultimate priceless moment and not one you would soon forget.  Have you ever been out and for some reason or another PCOS gets brought up and some random lady you just met tells you she has that: PCOS?  This little thing goes off in you… like a realization that Cysters do exist in real life.  Call it strange, but I swear that is how it feels.  There is that moment in realizing this, that a connection between you two instantly happens.  Whether you become good friends or not, you will feel a connection of being a Cyster… in knowing you are not alone and this moment you will never forget.  If you have not experienced it I pray and hope you do at some point in your life.  You know that saying: “you never forget your first” well I believe that saying is true when meeting a Cyster face to face for the first time.

I remember my first and to this day, every time I meet a Cyster, by random, chance I get that same feeling of: they do exist.

Meeting a Cyster is priceless whether online or face to face.  There is a sense of connection instantly because who better can understand your walk in life than a those going through what you are.  Being a Cyster puts you in a forever kind of family like when you are blood related to a family, but it is when you choose to be apart of the family that you realize we are all a little different, perhaps a bit nutty, crazy, dysfunctional and everything in between… and that despite this you are just glad you are apart of family.. because it means you are not alone.

 

Know this Cysters You are all PRICELESS moments in my life.

 

Have you ever had a: Priceless Cyster Moment?  If so I’d love for you to share it in a comment to this post.

2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 4,300 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 7 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Saying Good-Bye

So we are writing this as we say good-bye to yet another.  We would have written about this earlier, however, we went to see family for Christmas (early) and because of the circumstances I became sick and am now just starting to feel “normal” again.  We even debated on whether to share this or not, but in the end we told ourselves it is part of our journey to fill our nest; and besides we’ve never held back before.  So why start now.

So for those who have followed regularly on my ferning and have wondered what it meant I can tell you it is, to me, good news versus bad.  Though the result is sad/bad news I must see the silver lining.  The good news first is I was pregnant 🙂 woot woot.

However, on 12/12/12 the flood gates opened and we said good-bye to our 3rd little angel.  I am sad, or I should say we are sad and though most do not understand how we are the way we are when faced with sad circumstances yet again… we choose to see the positives and focus on those rather than the things that make us sad.  Perhaps it is a coping mechanism, however you want to call it.. it is what it is and I’d rather us be that way then the other.  For if it were that way we’d be in a deep, and I mean deep, hole and would never come out again.

We in a sense were prepared that it may happen because it was so long since I had a cycle, March 2012 to November 2012… that is a lot of months in between.  And the cycle in November was not enough in my eyes to have cleaned out all the old lining.  With that being the case it was a high chance that the lining was not healthy enough to carry to term.  Despite this we still hoped and prayed just maybe it would stick, but it did not. When the lining is old it is toxic and not an ideal situation for the egg to grow and mature.  However, I am sure everything and then some is out now.

We have had our time to grieve and do as we needed once we got back home.  I think the hardest part was that we didn’t really get to grieve fully till a couple of days ago.  To really think about it and let it sit in.  The reason for this is it happened the night before we left to go home and see family.  Call me insane I insisted on going anyways because we have not been with family for a holiday in like 5 years and it usually never happens.  Plus, I did not want to ruin anyones holiday with our sad news.  So Mr. O and I kept our mouth shut, sucked it up and went home.  We did not tell anyone except our moms, which even then we did not plan on doing.  Since I was bleeding so much, I cannot remember how many times I bleed through my pants (in public no less) and had to wash and change them.  I was wearing the ultra tampons (didn’t have a choice) with a pad and bleeding through them in less than an hour.  This is no joke.  This went on until that Sunday, and Sunday it started to die down a bit.

So in this happening we tried to play it off as if Aunt Flo had come for a visit, but Mr. O figured with his mom being a nurse would know better, so he told her when I was in the bathroom at one point dealing with another mess.  And as for my mom finding out, it happened in a round about way, which was not planned at all.  None of our other family knew what was going on with me and I wanted to keep it this way.  If you are a family member and now just reading this, please do not be mad that we did not say anything.  It was for sanity and personal reasons at that point.

Well, then we got back home and because I did not let my body just rest and I was losing so much blood I ended up getting sick this last week 😦 which is was not fun.  I know I should have rested more and probably should have stayed home, but I would not change my choice to see family if I had to do it all over again.  I miss my family dearly and I wanted to see them.  On top of that my grandparents are not getting any younger and I want every chance I can to see them.

So we went and bought balloons and let them go, as way to say good-bye to the one we just lost and to say we are thinking about all three of our angels this Christmas.  We got a star shaped balloon and picked the color for the months birthstone we lost them in.  So we got a red one for the first one we lost in January, an orange for the 2nd one we lost in November, and a blue for this one we just lost this December.

We, also, lit 3 candles… one for each one we lost and they are still burning as I write this.  They have been going since this morning and we will let them keep burning till they go out on their own.  There is a picture below 🙂

We did a little video if you want to check it out on our vlog channel: click here.  It is a short quick video and would love for you to watch it.  It is about a minute and a half.

In the end we are staying positive in thoughts because it shows I am making progress with my weight loss and that I am ovulating again and hormones are balancing 🙂 all these are positives to us.  We are not giving up yet and will of course keep you posted.  We have decided not to check ferning for the rest of this month and we might not in January because of what has happened.  I just want to focus on my weight loss as originally planned, as I know now that I am ovulating.  If it happens it happens, but I want my focus on becoming healthy again and kicking PCOS… you know.  I may change my mind, we will see.

If you have any questions I may have not touched on please feel free to ask in a comment to this post and I will answer.  Do not be afraid to ask, as the reason we share this story and the rest of our journey we do not mind answering your questions.  There is not TMI to us.

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Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Well, I am shocked to say the least.  I was nominated for a couple blog awards on my previous blog, but was not sure I would be nominated with this new one.  Not sure why, but guess I just do it because I or should I saw “we” now… love sharing our story.  We figure if you like it great, if not oh well.  Not to be rude or anything, but we know what we write about or do may not be something everyone likes, and that is okay.

On to the point of this post… I logged into today and lo and behold I find out I am nominated for “Very Inspiring Blogger Award”… it was so sweet and wonderful to find out.  Thank you so much Bree @ Thought Provoking Moments 🙂  When I read her reason for the nomination I had to stop and think a minute… what she said: (I have much respect for her desire to give back. Very inspiring and motivating!).

I guess it took me a minute because it is who I am, and who my husband is.  We truly love helping others and feel for those who deal with PCOS and infertility.  In some ways I would love to think we would all do it, but I know we don’t.  Despite this it was very kind of her to say what she said because I just feel like who thanks you for being nice when that is what I just do … I don’t expect to be thanked or pointed out for doing me, but it surely felt nice… so thank you very much Bree.

Okay now on to the rules:

  1. Display the award image on your blog.
  2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
  3. State 7 things about yourself.
  4. Nominate 15 other bloggers and link to their sites.
  5. Notify the bloggers that they have been nominated and link to the post.

1- Done 🙂

2- Done 🙂

3- Hmmm 7 things about myself… so I figure since this is both our story I would list 7 things about myself and 7 things about the hubs 🙂  Only fair I figure.

7 things about Mr O. (note these are his words so forgive him 😉 he is strange lol): 1. I am a dude, 2. I like games, 3. I have a hot wife, 4. I like technology, 5. I love my wife, 6. I am American, 7. I have a black dog and he is not evil.

7 things about Mrs O.: 1. I love my hubs, 2. I love my family, 3. I love my pups (Cupcake & Oreo), 4. I love anything crafty, 5. I love helping others, 6. I love learning (I know call me a nerd), 7. I love my Cysters

4- Gosh nominating 15 other bloggers might prove to be difficult.  I may have to add some over time as some of my fav ones do not blog anymore 😦 So here are the ones I would like to inspire in no particular order….

1. Lynne @ Fighting PCOS Naturally (because she is a fellow Cyster and I like that she does things naturally and takes part in things for Cysters)

2. Bree @ Thought Provoking Moments (since she nominated me I feel it only fair to nominate her.  Plus it is inspiring that she takes time to get to know people)

3. Amber @ Goodnight Moon (I started reading her blog and doing her blog hop when I blogged on my own and though she is not blogging as much I love her honesty because most people won’t be)

4. Ashley @ Ashbee Designs (I know not the typical blog, but she designs and her designs are inspirational because she listens to you and customized to what you want.  She is a joy to work with and I love her designs)

5. Lauren @ Not Just an Army Wife (She is a fellow milspouse and Cyster… if that is not inspiring enough then I don’t know what is.)

6. Michelle @ A Well-Adjusted Pessimist (I read her blog prior to her change, and found her posts funny and she was great talking with… anyone willing to be themselves in inspiring 🙂

7. Kara @ Happy-Go-Lucky (I love that she inspires others to be crafty, plus I love her blog hop with no rules, just to purely be nice and get to know other bloggers)

8. Mel and Nessa @ 2Lesbians1Baby (I love that they share their story and do giveaways that help support small business… plus I love their honesty)

So that is it for now 😦 I’ve tried looking up others I was reading prior to starting this new blog, but a lot of them have taken down their blogs 😦 I will have to find others to add later on 🙂