A Loss is a Loss: Miscarriage Hurts Too

It is sad when anyone loses a child, but I wonder why some think that losing one due to miscarriage is some how less sad, or less painful.  I really don’t get it honestly.  I am sure it is hard for anyone, but maybe infertility puts a different twist on things because I just don’t see it that way.  Maybe this isn’t for everyone to read because some may not agree with me, but in the end this is Mr O’s and my blog, so I am free to say as I (we) please.

To me having a miscarriage doesn’t hurt less.  I don’t care if it was one week or two weeks or a month or more, it still hurts.  Period.  When someone tries to prove otherwise by saying well at least you didn’t have to give birth, that would have made it harder.  Harder than what, is what I would like to know.  I still lost my baby I don’t care how long or when I still lost them: it hurts!  Also, for those who see it as only a fetus that matters not, because I don’t!  The loss hurts more than words can say.  Maybe it hurts even more in my eyes because I suffer with infertility and it is one more reminder of my struggle and one more reminder that I don’t have what I want.  I could go on and on.

Then there’s those who say that since they carried their’s longer than I did that somehow that makes it worse.  Sorry, but nope, not in my eyes.  A loss is a loss and I think how dare you try to prove that my loss was less significant than yours.  How can they even say that mine hurt less than their’s did.  It truly infuriates me.  Do not tell me how I should feel or that you think you know what I am going through, because if you even remotely knew how I felt you would not have said those words.

Or there are those who tell me at least you didn’t have to hold them for a few minutes and then lose them; because it was really hard for them to go through. How they would have rather not gone through holding them because it hurt so bad.  I am sure it did and it was hard and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but all I can think of is how I would give anything to have that chance to hold my child, if even for a moment.  I would suffer the pain to be able to do so.  I know it wouldn’t be easy, but  I would treasure that one moment, that to me, was stolen.  I didn’t get to have that opportunity, and I wonder why they can’t see how I would love to have that blessing: to hold them. Please don’t down play how I feel just because I didn’t get to physically hold my child.

There are, also, those who will say their pain is more painful because they got time with their child, time to build memories and since they had to live with them longer it is harder to deal with.  More painful to be without them.  So since they got to spend more time with their child it someone makes my loss easier?? However, it does not.  It still hurts just the same because the things you miss are the things I wish I had.  I still long for something that has not yet come.  I only get to dream of memories I wish I could make with my child and again I would treasure that time if I was given it because I would take even just a minute with them.  To see them, feel them, touch them, smell them and to hold them.  I’d count their toes, give them Eskimo kisses, wrap their fingers around mine.  I would intake every minute I had with them and memorize it for eternity.

Or how there are those who like to say that I should be use to it since I’ve already gone through a miscarriage.  Somehow people think it is supposed to be easier the more you have??  Sorry, but just because you experience a loss more than once or twice or more times does not mean it gets easier.  Does anyone else see how silly that thought is?  Or is it just me.  You see they were each their own person, whom I will miss and grieve for.  I mean it is not like you don’t grieve for each family member or friend you lose. It is not like if you suffer your first loss of a family member and that some how you just don’t hurt when another passes.  Each loss hurts, so now you see why that is silly to say to someone.  It is not like losing another makes it any easier.  They each are a different person, one to be loved and missed, and that is no different from having multiple miscarriages.

Now if you’ve even made it this far let me explain I truly am a kind person and I try my best to see things from all points of view, but I think that sometimes letting it out or shedding some light on a situation can help someone realize what they do when they say the things they do.  I am aware that sometimes people say things with the full intention they are helping, but in the long run they are making it worse.  When someone suffers a miscarriage:  Never tell someone they should be grateful for what you think they did or did not have to go through when they have suffered a loss.  Never down play their loss as not important.  Never tell them it does not hurt as much as your loss.  Never act like a miscarriage is less painful than losing a child later in life.

My point is not that my pain is worse than someone else’s or more important.  My point to this post is that each person’s pain is real, no matter how you look at it.  In the end a loss is a loss and you don’t have the right to put someone’s pain off for less than what it is.  Instead realize that they just suffered a loss and are hurting, and find a way to be a comfort to them without saying things that only make the situation worse.  Think back to the time you were in that situation of losing your child and think back to the things people would say to you that drove you completely nutty and wish they would just shut their mouths and let you cry, vent and fall apart.  Take time to realize that sometimes all they need is someone to cry with.  Someone to listen to them and hold them.  It is often better to say no words, but just be there as a shoulder for them to cry on.  And if you have to say something, just try saying “I am sorry for your loss”. IMG_2577

 

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A Tree’s Unspoken Words

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So there is tree at a place I know, which will remain unnamed for the privacy of the area.  I can’t help, but think how the tree looks alive, as if waving at people as they drive by.  Whether a friendly greeting or a sullen good-bye, where he wishes he could say come back.  It makes me think of the book “The Giving Tree” and how the boy had epic adventures with his tree, and how that tree loved him.

I imagine if this tree were in my yard as a child that I would have had a great many conversations and adventures with it. On the days I see this tree I am reminded of an old wise man, withered by age, who has many stories to share of things from the past.  I wonder if the stories would be happy or sad.  Would it tell me how children use to climb his trunk and swing from his branches or sit on his arm while they imaginary adventures. Does he miss times when people were outdoors, giving him a chance to witness their fun and hear their stories.  Does he miss the memories he once made with

20131106-100449.jpgfamilies that lived there years ago.  How did he feel when the first street was put in near him.  I wonder had he lost any tree friends because they needed room for a house, a road, a driveway.  Or was he always alone until new trees were planted near by.

Did he tell of his stories, to these new trees, of all he has seen so that those stories live on long after he’s gone.  Would the new trees even care, did they like the roads because that is what they knew, it is the norm.  Or would he be known as the old funny man who lived down the road, who lived in the past.  Would others think his wise words just nonsense and gibberish.   Would they wish they listened when he finally gave up, would he even be missed.  Would he miss the world as it is now or would he be ready to go on, so he could live in a dream of the past.

If only nature could talk to us, what would it say.  Would we find it disappointed in the way we do things today, would they view us as selfish, cruel or inhumane?  Or would they still love us like the tree in the book, giving us stuff till it could give us no more.  Until that day we look back realizing we have taken far too much and given so little.  Would we not even find a stump to come back to.

We need to remember to appreciate nature and the kindness bestowed upon us by God’s beautiful artistry that we see all around us in the world.  And just maybe if you listen long enough, you may just hear their words whispering in the wind or through the leaves.

Life Is Good

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Mr. O was so kind to let me have my own little corner in this very small house, sometimes we joke about how can we even call it a house.  Feels more like a shack at times.  Either way I have a corner where my creative side is able to run wild and free.  It may not always look the tidiest, but creativity to me is not about being clean… it is about letting things just be as they want.  My process may seem chaotic to some, but letting pieces sit in front of me as I wait for them to speak to me.  For something to show me what it should be.  Strange I am sure to some, but we all create differently.

Anyways, in this little corner there is a sign hanging on the wall that says “life is good”.  Just a constant reminder to me that no matter what life is truly good.  It reminded me of this saying that we said in church: God is good all the time, and then all the time God is good.  Well, when I look at that sign it makes me say life is good all the time, and then all the time life is good.

I know some might think this is crazy because lets face it we all face trials in life.  Hardships we’d rather not have or deal with.  Life is not good all the time! and if you think of it one dimensionally I’d agree, but looking at it from my perspective I try to see all sides of how things can be viewed.  So in search of every perspective I choose to see the silver lining in all situations.  May take me a bit to find, and sometimes it can be days later, but eventually I do.  Now, don’t get me wrong it isn’t always the easiest thing to do, and you may say that ever situations does not expose something that makes you happy.  I’d agree. However, if it came down to it sometimes my silver lining is just taking something as a learning experience, knowing that some how this situation can make me stronger, wiser, or changed in some way… if I let it.

Yeah, my idea of a silver lining doesn’t always mean it has to be peaches and cream or even make me smile in the least.  Sometimes my silver lining is crying because lets face it we all need to cry at some point, need to let our feelings out… it is a release for things inside to be let free and give to the one who can handle them.  And who knows perhaps some time down the road in your life it may reveal how it has prepared you for something you had no idea was coming.  Maybe just maybe then you will find the happiness or smile for that trial.  Causing you to realize life really is good after all.

So today I am reminded that I am thankful for choosing to find the silver lining in things, to remind me life is good.  Good doesn’t always have to be happy, but can be a learning lesson.  I don’t expect everyone to agree and we all handle situations differently, but for me if a situation causes me to grow then it is good, if it causes me to see things in a different light then it is good, if it causes me to cry when needed then it is good, if it causes me to become stronger than it is good, if it causes me to be ready for something later in life then it is good… I may not always like it or understand it, but I’d rather look at the good things or what I can make good out of it and not dwell on the negatives and the things that I feel are not good.  It really takes a toll on someone over time.

I could not image living my life always seeing things so negatively or at least staying in that thought.  So this signs for me is a reminder to not to stay in the negative thoughts of trials I face or things that do not go the way I want.  It may take me some time to get past, but I like having this little reminder to help me.

Do any of you have things that you use to help you see things positively?  Things to keep you moving forward… a favorite quote, saying etc.  I am curious to know what others do.

 

On a side note: I am over 10,000 words for NaNoWriMo 🙂 ahead of schedule which is always a good feeling.

Leaves are Freedom Dancing in Our Yard…

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He can’t get enough loves from his mommy when he doesn’t feel the greatest. How sweet.

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Cheese

So today we were woken up by our little Oreo sneezing.  Seriously it was so bad it there was snot everywhere.  What a way to wake up, but I felt more horrible for our little man.  It lasted for ten minutes straight and it was constant sneezing in a row.  I felt like he needed to catch his breath poor thing.  Then we discovered he had upchucked on our bed.  Mr. O said okay we need to call the vet.  So we went in and saw the vet and found out he may have a bit of a sniffle or possible allergies to something.  For now we have to watch him and just make sure he stays warm.  So that means sweaters come out and so does his little snuggle bag.  He has pretty much spent most of the day being held in my arms or snuggling in my lap.

Hopefully, I will be able to get done what I need to today, but if not that is okay.  I was supposed to go to a NaNoWriMo Write In, but didn’t go because my baby is sick.  So if he needs me that is where I am going to be.  I know dogs cannot replace the want or need for a child, but they are our family and our babies.  I don’t expect everyone to understand, but then again to each their own.

However, and updates I am over 6,000 words into my novel, which I have named finally.  It is actually coming along fairly well.  However, I am much more critical of myself and my writing than anyone else could.  I usually do not care what others think in the long run because truth is you will never please everyone, so in the end the only one I know I can please fully is myself.

Today, though windy and gloomy, was a breath of fresh air.  I love the way Fall smells and it’s like overnight the leaves decided to start their yearly freedom dance in our yard.  I love it.  Fall, like I have said before, is by far my favorite.  There are just so many things I love about it.  The smells of smoldering wood, crunchy leaves, fresh crisp air and home cooked meals.  My favorite meals are soups and stew with warm corn bread or biscuits.  And let’s not forget the tall glass of cold milk too.  Besides the smells I love all the shades of yellow, orange, red, greens, and browns.  The next best thing is the holidays that remind me of family traditions and time spent together.  The food you eat and memories you make.  I could go on and on, but you get the gist of it.  Well, I suppose it’s time to go see what I can get done while the little pups take a snooze on the couch.  Then I need to get some more writing done, I am determined to get to 50,000 words before the deadline so I can hopefully attempt some editing.

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