Angry with God

As I sit here and stare at this blanks slate I debate on whether to share these thoughts or not.  Maybe more fearful someone will take my words wrong, but I did say I would share my journey: ups and downs. However, I won’t share the full of what happened I think there is something worth sharing because it may just help another fellow believer who is facing infertility or suffering with something in their life.

I know my faith has been tested in many ways and despite that it has not wavered me from standing my ground with faith.  Now do not mistake that as I have never cried or struggled or questioned because believe me I have.  After all I am human and faith does not make that easier to deal with.  In fact I believe it makes your life’s walk harder.  I have still questioned things, I have hurt in many ways, I have been confused, I have even wondered if God knew my struggles, even thought myself unworthy of being blessed; among other things.  I’ve probably gone through most things others who believe and face infertility.  Though I would not in a long shot consider myself perfect or blameless, but most who know me know I stick to my beliefs.  Even after being told I would never have children I refused to believe it because God can make the impossible possible.  He even showed me I could get pregnant and though I had miscarried back then I still was not mad, maybe confused, but I still kept my faith.  I chose to see the silver lining in things and trust God, even when I don’t understand.  Even with all the things I have faced I have never once questioned my love for God, nor have I been mad at Him… that is until one day last month.

Just confessing that to whomever reads this makes me cringe, but I think it would be naive to believe we don’t have a moment like this in our life for one reason or another.  Anger can manifest differently for everyone and I say I have done well considering my struggle with miscarriages and infertility has been going on for 11 plus years.

As I recall that day I remember being overwhelmed with sadness only to have anger creep up my back.  It felt like a hot wave coming over me, one that swallowed me whole; and honestly took me by great surprise. I felt consumed, so much so, I honestly do not remember everything I said.  I remember feeling like God did not care, that he had abandoned me years ago. I remember saying something about how if he was all-powerful why couldn’t he just give me the one thing I wanted: a child.  Why did He allow me to keep losing little miracles.  I remember feeling like why do I bother believing, what good comes of it.  It seems like those who don’t believe get what they want, they even seem happy, or at least happier than I am at times.  I even thought what it would be like if I joined them, just so I could be happy.  Though that was blind ideals of happiness and having a baby. I thought of how people would tell me to let God know the desires of my heart or how if I just ask I will receive.  Well, truthfully that was not working for me because believe me He knows my desires, He knows what I want and I have told Him more times than I can remember.  However, I had had enough because I didn’t think I could take anymore.  It was a breaking point, that almost consumed my faith….

I remember at one point my husband coming over to me and trying to find words that would help me, but could not.  I think at one point he thought he had lost me.  I cried the most I have cried in a long time, and looked so lost and empty.  My husband said he had never seen me like this before and was scared that it had broken me and more than anything that was the last thing he wanted to see happen.  One thing he has loved me is my unwavering faith and how I view things.  But honestly I felt like my faith was leaving me and I couldn’t keep ahold of it and at that point my husband put his hand on my head, without saying anything… he just stood there as I sat crying on the couch.  Maybe he was praying, maybe he just wanted me to know he was there for me, either way my crying began slow and I looked up at my husband and said: “I just can’t do it….” as I paused he just looked at me in question as I finished with, “I still love Him!”  “I do!  I love God!”  At that very moment I had a release that no words can describe and I felt God had hug me as a peace came over me.  At that moment both my husband and I realized it did not completely break me; I still could not part from my faith.  I was relieved to know that what I thought would break me had not.

The next couple days I still felt not complete though.  I felt like I was just walking through a haze.  Then one day as I was sitting alone on the couch I just started crying and told God I was still confused and asked what was I doing wrong?  What do I need to change so I can have the desire I most want?  I just need to know because I feel so lost.  Part of me wanted to quit, but knew He did not want me to.  I even told him how I had felt bad for losing it and being angry.  Just then I heard a still small voice tell me to me to search: how long did Job suffer.  Of course I wanted to know why, but knew better and searched those words.  I then opened the first thing I saw, and the first thing I read is a a question: Have you experienced pain and suffering? Followed by … you also may find God much closer than you thought.

As I sat there I thought back to how so many had compared me to Job throughout my life.  I had read the book of Job years ago, and thought what could I possibly get from reading this when I have already read the book of Job.  Not sure where it was going I knew God had brought me to it for a reason, and I really had nothing to lose by reading it.   Obedience paid off because I had so many questions answered, and discovered that sometimes we may not get what we need from something in God’s word until the moment is right, and that moment was that day for me.

As I kept reading it went on to explain that Job suffered because he was among the best, not because he was the worst or that he had even done anything wrong.  So the tests began for Job and God still insisted to satan that Job loved Him, and would no matter what happened. Reading further it explains how Job lashed out, suffered and was even told that he had sinned to have deserved what he was going through.  Even showed moments when he questioned God.

I started to see so much of Job’s suffering as relatable.

I have often wondered why did I end up with PCOS and why I couldn’t be healed.  Instead I have been lead to believe I had not believed hard enough for the healing or that I had done something wrong or was missing something so that is why I was not healed.  This has always added to my confusion.  On top of wondering why I had gone through other things I had and why the miscarriages.

After reading I realized that though I am not Job, I can relate.  I even wonder how many of my fellow believing Cysters or those dealing with infertility have felt the same.  If you ever felt that perhaps you were doing something wrong to deserve what you are going through.  I hope that in sharing this you will realize what I did.

Though I suffer and have suffered a lot I have not done anything wrong and in knowing this satan can no longer hold this over me.  Perhaps like Job my journey is show satan that even if I go through this trial that despite what I face I still choose to believe.  I choose to still LOVE God in spite of everything, even when I have done nothing to deserve the trials I have faced.  My choice to do so is powerful.  I am saying that God is still God no matter what, and is worthy of my love and worship.  I am putting satan in his place by showing him no matter what he is allowed to do on this earth that I along with others will still choose God.  There are those who will love Him unconditionally, just as He loves us.

So that day I thought would break me allowed for God to show me something that perhaps I would not have been able to see without it happening.  I am pretty sure that satan was using it to break me, and I am sure he had a moment where he thought he had won.  However, he was soon put in his place when I spoke, with such force, my love for God.  Though I did not realize how powerful my words were at that point, I do now.  I, also, realize God has not left me and has chosen this journey for me for a reason, just as He chooses a journey for each of us.  I hope that you will choose to love and trust Him no matter what you face, even when you have done nothing to deserve it.

In my moment of anger I found a renewed love for God and a deeper trust and understanding of my relationship with Him.  For this I am thankful.  My anger brought about something beautiful.

I LOVE Him, and I chose to TRUST Him!

A Tree’s Unspoken Words

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So there is tree at a place I know, which will remain unnamed for the privacy of the area.  I can’t help, but think how the tree looks alive, as if waving at people as they drive by.  Whether a friendly greeting or a sullen good-bye, where he wishes he could say come back.  It makes me think of the book “The Giving Tree” and how the boy had epic adventures with his tree, and how that tree loved him.

I imagine if this tree were in my yard as a child that I would have had a great many conversations and adventures with it. On the days I see this tree I am reminded of an old wise man, withered by age, who has many stories to share of things from the past.  I wonder if the stories would be happy or sad.  Would it tell me how children use to climb his trunk and swing from his branches or sit on his arm while they imaginary adventures. Does he miss times when people were outdoors, giving him a chance to witness their fun and hear their stories.  Does he miss the memories he once made with

20131106-100449.jpgfamilies that lived there years ago.  How did he feel when the first street was put in near him.  I wonder had he lost any tree friends because they needed room for a house, a road, a driveway.  Or was he always alone until new trees were planted near by.

Did he tell of his stories, to these new trees, of all he has seen so that those stories live on long after he’s gone.  Would the new trees even care, did they like the roads because that is what they knew, it is the norm.  Or would he be known as the old funny man who lived down the road, who lived in the past.  Would others think his wise words just nonsense and gibberish.   Would they wish they listened when he finally gave up, would he even be missed.  Would he miss the world as it is now or would he be ready to go on, so he could live in a dream of the past.

If only nature could talk to us, what would it say.  Would we find it disappointed in the way we do things today, would they view us as selfish, cruel or inhumane?  Or would they still love us like the tree in the book, giving us stuff till it could give us no more.  Until that day we look back realizing we have taken far too much and given so little.  Would we not even find a stump to come back to.

We need to remember to appreciate nature and the kindness bestowed upon us by God’s beautiful artistry that we see all around us in the world.  And just maybe if you listen long enough, you may just hear their words whispering in the wind or through the leaves.

Life Is Good

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Mr. O was so kind to let me have my own little corner in this very small house, sometimes we joke about how can we even call it a house.  Feels more like a shack at times.  Either way I have a corner where my creative side is able to run wild and free.  It may not always look the tidiest, but creativity to me is not about being clean… it is about letting things just be as they want.  My process may seem chaotic to some, but letting pieces sit in front of me as I wait for them to speak to me.  For something to show me what it should be.  Strange I am sure to some, but we all create differently.

Anyways, in this little corner there is a sign hanging on the wall that says “life is good”.  Just a constant reminder to me that no matter what life is truly good.  It reminded me of this saying that we said in church: God is good all the time, and then all the time God is good.  Well, when I look at that sign it makes me say life is good all the time, and then all the time life is good.

I know some might think this is crazy because lets face it we all face trials in life.  Hardships we’d rather not have or deal with.  Life is not good all the time! and if you think of it one dimensionally I’d agree, but looking at it from my perspective I try to see all sides of how things can be viewed.  So in search of every perspective I choose to see the silver lining in all situations.  May take me a bit to find, and sometimes it can be days later, but eventually I do.  Now, don’t get me wrong it isn’t always the easiest thing to do, and you may say that ever situations does not expose something that makes you happy.  I’d agree. However, if it came down to it sometimes my silver lining is just taking something as a learning experience, knowing that some how this situation can make me stronger, wiser, or changed in some way… if I let it.

Yeah, my idea of a silver lining doesn’t always mean it has to be peaches and cream or even make me smile in the least.  Sometimes my silver lining is crying because lets face it we all need to cry at some point, need to let our feelings out… it is a release for things inside to be let free and give to the one who can handle them.  And who knows perhaps some time down the road in your life it may reveal how it has prepared you for something you had no idea was coming.  Maybe just maybe then you will find the happiness or smile for that trial.  Causing you to realize life really is good after all.

So today I am reminded that I am thankful for choosing to find the silver lining in things, to remind me life is good.  Good doesn’t always have to be happy, but can be a learning lesson.  I don’t expect everyone to agree and we all handle situations differently, but for me if a situation causes me to grow then it is good, if it causes me to see things in a different light then it is good, if it causes me to cry when needed then it is good, if it causes me to become stronger than it is good, if it causes me to be ready for something later in life then it is good… I may not always like it or understand it, but I’d rather look at the good things or what I can make good out of it and not dwell on the negatives and the things that I feel are not good.  It really takes a toll on someone over time.

I could not image living my life always seeing things so negatively or at least staying in that thought.  So this signs for me is a reminder to not to stay in the negative thoughts of trials I face or things that do not go the way I want.  It may take me some time to get past, but I like having this little reminder to help me.

Do any of you have things that you use to help you see things positively?  Things to keep you moving forward… a favorite quote, saying etc.  I am curious to know what others do.

 

On a side note: I am over 10,000 words for NaNoWriMo 🙂 ahead of schedule which is always a good feeling.

Leaves are Freedom Dancing in Our Yard…

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He can’t get enough loves from his mommy when he doesn’t feel the greatest. How sweet.

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Cheese

So today we were woken up by our little Oreo sneezing.  Seriously it was so bad it there was snot everywhere.  What a way to wake up, but I felt more horrible for our little man.  It lasted for ten minutes straight and it was constant sneezing in a row.  I felt like he needed to catch his breath poor thing.  Then we discovered he had upchucked on our bed.  Mr. O said okay we need to call the vet.  So we went in and saw the vet and found out he may have a bit of a sniffle or possible allergies to something.  For now we have to watch him and just make sure he stays warm.  So that means sweaters come out and so does his little snuggle bag.  He has pretty much spent most of the day being held in my arms or snuggling in my lap.

Hopefully, I will be able to get done what I need to today, but if not that is okay.  I was supposed to go to a NaNoWriMo Write In, but didn’t go because my baby is sick.  So if he needs me that is where I am going to be.  I know dogs cannot replace the want or need for a child, but they are our family and our babies.  I don’t expect everyone to understand, but then again to each their own.

However, and updates I am over 6,000 words into my novel, which I have named finally.  It is actually coming along fairly well.  However, I am much more critical of myself and my writing than anyone else could.  I usually do not care what others think in the long run because truth is you will never please everyone, so in the end the only one I know I can please fully is myself.

Today, though windy and gloomy, was a breath of fresh air.  I love the way Fall smells and it’s like overnight the leaves decided to start their yearly freedom dance in our yard.  I love it.  Fall, like I have said before, is by far my favorite.  There are just so many things I love about it.  The smells of smoldering wood, crunchy leaves, fresh crisp air and home cooked meals.  My favorite meals are soups and stew with warm corn bread or biscuits.  And let’s not forget the tall glass of cold milk too.  Besides the smells I love all the shades of yellow, orange, red, greens, and browns.  The next best thing is the holidays that remind me of family traditions and time spent together.  The food you eat and memories you make.  I could go on and on, but you get the gist of it.  Well, I suppose it’s time to go see what I can get done while the little pups take a snooze on the couch.  Then I need to get some more writing done, I am determined to get to 50,000 words before the deadline so I can hopefully attempt some editing.

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Life with Infertility

Very True!

I really hope you will take a minute to read this.  Truly it is a must read for anyone who knows us personally, but also for anyone who knows someone facing infertility.  I feel to often it is far easier for people not to actually try to see what it is like from our point of view – to see a glimpse of what we face.   To understand that we do not just need to relax or stop trying – that there is so much more to it than that.

Please read this article: Infertility Etiquette <=== click here, I know it is a bit long, but it would mean a lot to us.

It is a little glimpse of what it is like for us and for others facing fertility issues.  Hopefully, it will help you understand a bit more what it is like to hear what we hear or be in our shoes.

Songs of My Inner Child

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There is something about being outdoors with the smell of Fall in the air. It is by far my favorite season, followed by Winter & Spring. I truly never realized how my heart yearned for the Midwest, until we came back to the area. Ten years with no seasons was something I thought I had fallen in love with. Little did I know how deceived I was – silly me for thinking I could squash my love of being outdoors.
Stepping outside today to go on a walk just awakened my favorite memories of loves I once lost.
Sun rays on my face that feel as though God is tickling my face with happiness.
The cool brisk air with a wind that brings the smells of leaves and wood that awaken my inner child. A child who wants to dance with the leaves and climb in the trees. I swear I hear the leaves calling me by name saying come and play like you once did. Gather us up so we can hide you from your troubles. Oh if for just a moment I could do just that… Jump in and burry myself and forget being an adult. To be a kid again.
My inner child has been summoned by the beauty of nature God created; singing songs of memories past. Oh to let it be free to run and play and rewind to a time when the world seemed so innocent and my imagination could take me anywhere.

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Just 1 Question

Have you ever asked a magic 8 ball a question?  Did you like the answer?  Or did you not like it and then ask it again in hopes of getting a different answer – one you would accept 🙂

I have, but never honestly do it thinking I will get a truthful answer… I do it more for the fun of it.  However, I will admit that I have asked it serious questions, but always got that the reply was hazy or ask again later.

So then I was thinking that If I could ask just one question and have an answer to it, what would it be?  I mean just one question no more and no multiple questions in the same question – just one.

If I knew I would get a truthful and honest answer to the one thing I wanted to know most… would I have the courage to do so?  There is always the possibility of getting an answer I do not like… and there is no shaking the ball to ask it again in hopes of getting a different answer.   I personally would want to ask my question from God.

However, everyone has a different walk in life so let say you could ask just one question to either God, psychic or whomever you think would be able to provide you with that one answer you wanted to know most… Do you know what you would ask?  And if you did would you ask it?  I suppose most would say yes, but I am not sure I would have enough courage to do so.  Yet again maybe I would because then I would know and I could move on and just be done with it… have my definite answer, whether I liked it or not.

I am sure many who suffer the same journey I do would ask something very similar to what I would ask.  Then I think about the fact that I may not be satisfied with just one question because the one question I have could leave many possibilities in how I get to that answer, however, if the answer was simply no then that would be that.

Suffering with infertility and after trying for so long I always ask will I ever get to be a mom?  Will I ever get that chance?  Who wouldn’t want to know when that is one of the biggest desires of your heart at this current time in life.  I would so want to know, but would be heartbroken if I heard no I will never get to be a mom… however, I believe that if that were the case I would be able to make it through it with God’s help and trust He knows best.  Though it would still be heartbreaking.

But, lets say I was told yes I would… then I would wonder – when and how.  Would it be biologically or through adoption?  And when would it happen soon or would I still have to wait longer – like years.  Oh, the joys of wanting to know something that an answer may not even satisfy.

So, if you had one question what would it be?   Also, would you ever have the courage to ask it or would you truly not want to know the answer knowing the possibility you may not want to hear it?