Just 1 Question

Have you ever asked a magic 8 ball a question?  Did you like the answer?  Or did you not like it and then ask it again in hopes of getting a different answer – one you would accept 🙂

I have, but never honestly do it thinking I will get a truthful answer… I do it more for the fun of it.  However, I will admit that I have asked it serious questions, but always got that the reply was hazy or ask again later.

So then I was thinking that If I could ask just one question and have an answer to it, what would it be?  I mean just one question no more and no multiple questions in the same question – just one.

If I knew I would get a truthful and honest answer to the one thing I wanted to know most… would I have the courage to do so?  There is always the possibility of getting an answer I do not like… and there is no shaking the ball to ask it again in hopes of getting a different answer.   I personally would want to ask my question from God.

However, everyone has a different walk in life so let say you could ask just one question to either God, psychic or whomever you think would be able to provide you with that one answer you wanted to know most… Do you know what you would ask?  And if you did would you ask it?  I suppose most would say yes, but I am not sure I would have enough courage to do so.  Yet again maybe I would because then I would know and I could move on and just be done with it… have my definite answer, whether I liked it or not.

I am sure many who suffer the same journey I do would ask something very similar to what I would ask.  Then I think about the fact that I may not be satisfied with just one question because the one question I have could leave many possibilities in how I get to that answer, however, if the answer was simply no then that would be that.

Suffering with infertility and after trying for so long I always ask will I ever get to be a mom?  Will I ever get that chance?  Who wouldn’t want to know when that is one of the biggest desires of your heart at this current time in life.  I would so want to know, but would be heartbroken if I heard no I will never get to be a mom… however, I believe that if that were the case I would be able to make it through it with God’s help and trust He knows best.  Though it would still be heartbreaking.

But, lets say I was told yes I would… then I would wonder – when and how.  Would it be biologically or through adoption?  And when would it happen soon or would I still have to wait longer – like years.  Oh, the joys of wanting to know something that an answer may not even satisfy.

So, if you had one question what would it be?   Also, would you ever have the courage to ask it or would you truly not want to know the answer knowing the possibility you may not want to hear it?

Fear: Alone in the End

So I was sitting here just thinking and for some reason the weirdest thought came to me.  Why I even thought about it is beyond me or where it even came from is a bit boggling… either way it had me wondering about a fear I never really knew I had until now.  A fear of being alone in the end… and not just any type of alone the alone feeling a non-parent would probably only have… let me clarify.

I was thinking about the fact that when you are old you get to enjoy watching your children grow and their children.  The joy of being a grandparent and knowing your family line goes on.  Watching your little family keep on growing and living on.  Just the knowing that a piece of you will live on in each one of those individuals. It probably gives you some sort of peace in knowing this and that when the time comes for you to take on your next journey in life you will have a sense of happiness in knowing these things.

But what happens when it cannot or does not?  I mean it is a possibility this is what will happen to my hubs and I; not that I want it to or am giving up on the dream of being a mom some day.  I then thought how I never want to be in a nursing home, but what if I was??  Who would come visit me??  Besides my husband, I mean I would have no children or grandchildren to care for me or visit me (not that I want to have to be taken care of).  The bigger fear was in having  no one to share my husband’s and I’s little family traditions, hopes, dreams, life’s stories with.  Having those things passed on to anyone.  As if when my husband and I are gone that part of the family line vanishes a little each day until each person who may have known you is gone.  Pretty sad actually, but there you have it.  An unkind and unwanted morbid thought that crossed my mind.

It really just hit like a ton of bricks that if I come to the terms of accepting I will never be a mom I have to grasp the reality of this fear.  Or more so a thought of unhappiness.  It really makes me sick to my stomach actually to think about it.  Even while I write this and the only reason I am sharing this is I am hoping I am not the only one who has thought this or perhaps even if you had not, that by reading this, it will be realized I am not alone in this semi morbid thought.

How I wish that no one would ever have to feel this way or face infertility.  How I wish more than anything that someone or somehow we would be blessed with a child and not that it even has to be by birth.  Even if it was someone who said here we have a child you can adopt or that some day we would get an anonymous gift of money (or a not anonymous) that would pay for an adoption.  More than that I hope this for all those out there who suffer as we do and deserve to have their little miracle bundle of joy.