Angry with God

As I sit here and stare at this blanks slate I debate on whether to share these thoughts or not.  Maybe more fearful someone will take my words wrong, but I did say I would share my journey: ups and downs. However, I won’t share the full of what happened I think there is something worth sharing because it may just help another fellow believer who is facing infertility or suffering with something in their life.

I know my faith has been tested in many ways and despite that it has not wavered me from standing my ground with faith.  Now do not mistake that as I have never cried or struggled or questioned because believe me I have.  After all I am human and faith does not make that easier to deal with.  In fact I believe it makes your life’s walk harder.  I have still questioned things, I have hurt in many ways, I have been confused, I have even wondered if God knew my struggles, even thought myself unworthy of being blessed; among other things.  I’ve probably gone through most things others who believe and face infertility.  Though I would not in a long shot consider myself perfect or blameless, but most who know me know I stick to my beliefs.  Even after being told I would never have children I refused to believe it because God can make the impossible possible.  He even showed me I could get pregnant and though I had miscarried back then I still was not mad, maybe confused, but I still kept my faith.  I chose to see the silver lining in things and trust God, even when I don’t understand.  Even with all the things I have faced I have never once questioned my love for God, nor have I been mad at Him… that is until one day last month.

Just confessing that to whomever reads this makes me cringe, but I think it would be naive to believe we don’t have a moment like this in our life for one reason or another.  Anger can manifest differently for everyone and I say I have done well considering my struggle with miscarriages and infertility has been going on for 11 plus years.

As I recall that day I remember being overwhelmed with sadness only to have anger creep up my back.  It felt like a hot wave coming over me, one that swallowed me whole; and honestly took me by great surprise. I felt consumed, so much so, I honestly do not remember everything I said.  I remember feeling like God did not care, that he had abandoned me years ago. I remember saying something about how if he was all-powerful why couldn’t he just give me the one thing I wanted: a child.  Why did He allow me to keep losing little miracles.  I remember feeling like why do I bother believing, what good comes of it.  It seems like those who don’t believe get what they want, they even seem happy, or at least happier than I am at times.  I even thought what it would be like if I joined them, just so I could be happy.  Though that was blind ideals of happiness and having a baby. I thought of how people would tell me to let God know the desires of my heart or how if I just ask I will receive.  Well, truthfully that was not working for me because believe me He knows my desires, He knows what I want and I have told Him more times than I can remember.  However, I had had enough because I didn’t think I could take anymore.  It was a breaking point, that almost consumed my faith….

I remember at one point my husband coming over to me and trying to find words that would help me, but could not.  I think at one point he thought he had lost me.  I cried the most I have cried in a long time, and looked so lost and empty.  My husband said he had never seen me like this before and was scared that it had broken me and more than anything that was the last thing he wanted to see happen.  One thing he has loved me is my unwavering faith and how I view things.  But honestly I felt like my faith was leaving me and I couldn’t keep ahold of it and at that point my husband put his hand on my head, without saying anything… he just stood there as I sat crying on the couch.  Maybe he was praying, maybe he just wanted me to know he was there for me, either way my crying began slow and I looked up at my husband and said: “I just can’t do it….” as I paused he just looked at me in question as I finished with, “I still love Him!”  “I do!  I love God!”  At that very moment I had a release that no words can describe and I felt God had hug me as a peace came over me.  At that moment both my husband and I realized it did not completely break me; I still could not part from my faith.  I was relieved to know that what I thought would break me had not.

The next couple days I still felt not complete though.  I felt like I was just walking through a haze.  Then one day as I was sitting alone on the couch I just started crying and told God I was still confused and asked what was I doing wrong?  What do I need to change so I can have the desire I most want?  I just need to know because I feel so lost.  Part of me wanted to quit, but knew He did not want me to.  I even told him how I had felt bad for losing it and being angry.  Just then I heard a still small voice tell me to me to search: how long did Job suffer.  Of course I wanted to know why, but knew better and searched those words.  I then opened the first thing I saw, and the first thing I read is a a question: Have you experienced pain and suffering? Followed by … you also may find God much closer than you thought.

As I sat there I thought back to how so many had compared me to Job throughout my life.  I had read the book of Job years ago, and thought what could I possibly get from reading this when I have already read the book of Job.  Not sure where it was going I knew God had brought me to it for a reason, and I really had nothing to lose by reading it.   Obedience paid off because I had so many questions answered, and discovered that sometimes we may not get what we need from something in God’s word until the moment is right, and that moment was that day for me.

As I kept reading it went on to explain that Job suffered because he was among the best, not because he was the worst or that he had even done anything wrong.  So the tests began for Job and God still insisted to satan that Job loved Him, and would no matter what happened. Reading further it explains how Job lashed out, suffered and was even told that he had sinned to have deserved what he was going through.  Even showed moments when he questioned God.

I started to see so much of Job’s suffering as relatable.

I have often wondered why did I end up with PCOS and why I couldn’t be healed.  Instead I have been lead to believe I had not believed hard enough for the healing or that I had done something wrong or was missing something so that is why I was not healed.  This has always added to my confusion.  On top of wondering why I had gone through other things I had and why the miscarriages.

After reading I realized that though I am not Job, I can relate.  I even wonder how many of my fellow believing Cysters or those dealing with infertility have felt the same.  If you ever felt that perhaps you were doing something wrong to deserve what you are going through.  I hope that in sharing this you will realize what I did.

Though I suffer and have suffered a lot I have not done anything wrong and in knowing this satan can no longer hold this over me.  Perhaps like Job my journey is show satan that even if I go through this trial that despite what I face I still choose to believe.  I choose to still LOVE God in spite of everything, even when I have done nothing to deserve the trials I have faced.  My choice to do so is powerful.  I am saying that God is still God no matter what, and is worthy of my love and worship.  I am putting satan in his place by showing him no matter what he is allowed to do on this earth that I along with others will still choose God.  There are those who will love Him unconditionally, just as He loves us.

So that day I thought would break me allowed for God to show me something that perhaps I would not have been able to see without it happening.  I am pretty sure that satan was using it to break me, and I am sure he had a moment where he thought he had won.  However, he was soon put in his place when I spoke, with such force, my love for God.  Though I did not realize how powerful my words were at that point, I do now.  I, also, realize God has not left me and has chosen this journey for me for a reason, just as He chooses a journey for each of us.  I hope that you will choose to love and trust Him no matter what you face, even when you have done nothing to deserve it.

In my moment of anger I found a renewed love for God and a deeper trust and understanding of my relationship with Him.  For this I am thankful.  My anger brought about something beautiful.

I LOVE Him, and I chose to TRUST Him!

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Writing My Overcomer Story?

It is no secret, or at least in this house, that I love Mandisa.  The strangest thing is I fell in love with her music before even discovering she had been on American Idol.  I know you may think that sounds strange, but I don’t watch much TV.  We do not even have cable – just Netflix and huluplus, which I do not watch that much.

Anyways, I was able to watch her new video for her song: Overcomer and was so touched by those that had struggled in that video.  It made me think of how what I am facing could be so much worse than it is.  Yes I wish I did not have weight issues because of PCOS, and I wish I did not have to deal with Infertility issues, but in the grand scheme of things I do have control over certain aspects of this journey.

Here is a pic to her new album 🙂 Someday it would be great to meet her in person.

I do not have to give in or give up.  I can choose to keep on fighting and I can choose to work my bootay off to get my weight under control.  Yeah it is going to be a lot of work, and I mean A LOT, but when I think of it there are people who have conquered bigger obstacles than that.  Her song had me thinking of when is it my turn to write my Overcomer story?  I mean the longer I wait to write it the less chance I have of having that opportunity.  There are so many health issues that can arise from having PCOS that if I do not do something now, I may not have a second chance to do so.

It is time to wake up and realize I am not alone in my trials – everyone has them.  After hearing the song and watching the video it has inspired me to write my story – and it starts today.  It is not about even sharing that story or being known for it – at this point I am writing that story for ME.  No one else.  However, I hope to share parts of my journey of course and in the process I surely hope it helps someone else with PCOS know they are not alone and that it is possible to fight – even if it feels impossible.  I have been up and down with my weight since 2003, and that is a long time – however I still have a chance to make a change and when you have that you should take it.  So that is what I am going to do 🙂

I love a lot of Mandisa’s songs and a lot of them have helped me overcome things and look at things differently and for that I am thankful.  This new song of hers had done just that, and I cannot wait to be an overcomer of my obstacles – of PCOS.

Cause if I am truthful with myself – and I am sure I am not the only one – I know I do not give it 100% all the time when it comes to weight loss.  It is hard, extremely hard – and that is putting it lightly.  It makes me feel discouraged and want to give up – and I do at times.  I think we like to fool ourselves into thinking we tried, but really we only partly try.  We give in or give up after we do not see the results we want in a week or two.  Or even a month or more sometimes.  Or there are other things that get in our way – such as my fear of going through another miscarriage, because every time I push myself and give 100% I end up getting pregnant, but then having a miscarriage 😦 So then I just want to not try because it is never fun going through that experience.  However, it is time to move forward and if I do not I am only harming myself and my dreams.

Just 1 Question

Have you ever asked a magic 8 ball a question?  Did you like the answer?  Or did you not like it and then ask it again in hopes of getting a different answer – one you would accept 🙂

I have, but never honestly do it thinking I will get a truthful answer… I do it more for the fun of it.  However, I will admit that I have asked it serious questions, but always got that the reply was hazy or ask again later.

So then I was thinking that If I could ask just one question and have an answer to it, what would it be?  I mean just one question no more and no multiple questions in the same question – just one.

If I knew I would get a truthful and honest answer to the one thing I wanted to know most… would I have the courage to do so?  There is always the possibility of getting an answer I do not like… and there is no shaking the ball to ask it again in hopes of getting a different answer.   I personally would want to ask my question from God.

However, everyone has a different walk in life so let say you could ask just one question to either God, psychic or whomever you think would be able to provide you with that one answer you wanted to know most… Do you know what you would ask?  And if you did would you ask it?  I suppose most would say yes, but I am not sure I would have enough courage to do so.  Yet again maybe I would because then I would know and I could move on and just be done with it… have my definite answer, whether I liked it or not.

I am sure many who suffer the same journey I do would ask something very similar to what I would ask.  Then I think about the fact that I may not be satisfied with just one question because the one question I have could leave many possibilities in how I get to that answer, however, if the answer was simply no then that would be that.

Suffering with infertility and after trying for so long I always ask will I ever get to be a mom?  Will I ever get that chance?  Who wouldn’t want to know when that is one of the biggest desires of your heart at this current time in life.  I would so want to know, but would be heartbroken if I heard no I will never get to be a mom… however, I believe that if that were the case I would be able to make it through it with God’s help and trust He knows best.  Though it would still be heartbreaking.

But, lets say I was told yes I would… then I would wonder – when and how.  Would it be biologically or through adoption?  And when would it happen soon or would I still have to wait longer – like years.  Oh, the joys of wanting to know something that an answer may not even satisfy.

So, if you had one question what would it be?   Also, would you ever have the courage to ask it or would you truly not want to know the answer knowing the possibility you may not want to hear it?

Jamming with My BFF

 

I’ve really never been one to use the term: BFF.  However, I felt it was the perfect title to this post….

I was on my way home from work and since it was so nice out I decided to roll down the windows.  With the wind blowing across my face and my tunes jamming “FREE” by Mandisa, and then “He Can Handle It” by Bebe and CeCe Winans.  Music loud enough to drown out my singing 😉 as I will not profess to be a great singer.

However, as I was singing and driving I felt like for a minute I was in the car with my friends back in HS, when you are driving and singing and just enjoying your girl time… well, that is how I felt however, I saw Jesus sitting in the passenger seat jamming along with me.

For a second I just smiled and laughed.  I’ve never had that happen before and was thinking how strange for that thought to pop into my head… but hey why not.  Why shouldn’t we think of Jesus as someone we can just talk too or hang out with.  I guess I find so often that we label Him as someone so serious.  Not to say He isn’t, but why not put Him in the group where He is someone, like a BFF, riding in the car and jamming to the tunes with you?

I for one liked the idea and it felt calming.  It was well worth happening even if I am the only one it has happened to… even if it comes across as corn ballish 🙂  Hey… Jesus is my B.F.F.