A Loss is a Loss: Miscarriage Hurts Too

It is sad when anyone loses a child, but I wonder why some think that losing one due to miscarriage is some how less sad, or less painful.  I really don’t get it honestly.  I am sure it is hard for anyone, but maybe infertility puts a different twist on things because I just don’t see it that way.  Maybe this isn’t for everyone to read because some may not agree with me, but in the end this is Mr O’s and my blog, so I am free to say as I (we) please.

To me having a miscarriage doesn’t hurt less.  I don’t care if it was one week or two weeks or a month or more, it still hurts.  Period.  When someone tries to prove otherwise by saying well at least you didn’t have to give birth, that would have made it harder.  Harder than what, is what I would like to know.  I still lost my baby I don’t care how long or when I still lost them: it hurts!  Also, for those who see it as only a fetus that matters not, because I don’t!  The loss hurts more than words can say.  Maybe it hurts even more in my eyes because I suffer with infertility and it is one more reminder of my struggle and one more reminder that I don’t have what I want.  I could go on and on.

Then there’s those who say that since they carried their’s longer than I did that somehow that makes it worse.  Sorry, but nope, not in my eyes.  A loss is a loss and I think how dare you try to prove that my loss was less significant than yours.  How can they even say that mine hurt less than their’s did.  It truly infuriates me.  Do not tell me how I should feel or that you think you know what I am going through, because if you even remotely knew how I felt you would not have said those words.

Or there are those who tell me at least you didn’t have to hold them for a few minutes and then lose them; because it was really hard for them to go through. How they would have rather not gone through holding them because it hurt so bad.  I am sure it did and it was hard and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but all I can think of is how I would give anything to have that chance to hold my child, if even for a moment.  I would suffer the pain to be able to do so.  I know it wouldn’t be easy, but  I would treasure that one moment, that to me, was stolen.  I didn’t get to have that opportunity, and I wonder why they can’t see how I would love to have that blessing: to hold them. Please don’t down play how I feel just because I didn’t get to physically hold my child.

There are, also, those who will say their pain is more painful because they got time with their child, time to build memories and since they had to live with them longer it is harder to deal with.  More painful to be without them.  So since they got to spend more time with their child it someone makes my loss easier?? However, it does not.  It still hurts just the same because the things you miss are the things I wish I had.  I still long for something that has not yet come.  I only get to dream of memories I wish I could make with my child and again I would treasure that time if I was given it because I would take even just a minute with them.  To see them, feel them, touch them, smell them and to hold them.  I’d count their toes, give them Eskimo kisses, wrap their fingers around mine.  I would intake every minute I had with them and memorize it for eternity.

Or how there are those who like to say that I should be use to it since I’ve already gone through a miscarriage.  Somehow people think it is supposed to be easier the more you have??  Sorry, but just because you experience a loss more than once or twice or more times does not mean it gets easier.  Does anyone else see how silly that thought is?  Or is it just me.  You see they were each their own person, whom I will miss and grieve for.  I mean it is not like you don’t grieve for each family member or friend you lose. It is not like if you suffer your first loss of a family member and that some how you just don’t hurt when another passes.  Each loss hurts, so now you see why that is silly to say to someone.  It is not like losing another makes it any easier.  They each are a different person, one to be loved and missed, and that is no different from having multiple miscarriages.

Now if you’ve even made it this far let me explain I truly am a kind person and I try my best to see things from all points of view, but I think that sometimes letting it out or shedding some light on a situation can help someone realize what they do when they say the things they do.  I am aware that sometimes people say things with the full intention they are helping, but in the long run they are making it worse.  When someone suffers a miscarriage:  Never tell someone they should be grateful for what you think they did or did not have to go through when they have suffered a loss.  Never down play their loss as not important.  Never tell them it does not hurt as much as your loss.  Never act like a miscarriage is less painful than losing a child later in life.

My point is not that my pain is worse than someone else’s or more important.  My point to this post is that each person’s pain is real, no matter how you look at it.  In the end a loss is a loss and you don’t have the right to put someone’s pain off for less than what it is.  Instead realize that they just suffered a loss and are hurting, and find a way to be a comfort to them without saying things that only make the situation worse.  Think back to the time you were in that situation of losing your child and think back to the things people would say to you that drove you completely nutty and wish they would just shut their mouths and let you cry, vent and fall apart.  Take time to realize that sometimes all they need is someone to cry with.  Someone to listen to them and hold them.  It is often better to say no words, but just be there as a shoulder for them to cry on.  And if you have to say something, just try saying “I am sorry for your loss”. IMG_2577


Worst Thing About PCOS

ImageSo what’s the worst thing about PCOS?  Do you have a worst?  The hubs and I were sitting here talking and I was listing off the things that I hate about PCOS, and how it just feels so unfair sometimes.  But who doesn’t feel like that when they have something wrong with them… in all honesty I am sure everyone can relate to the feeling of life not being fair.

I was saying, basically listing off, anything I could think of that I have disliked because of PCOS… and the thing is there are a lot of them, and I am sure everyone I listed off, most Cysters could relate to at least one of them or all.  The biggest thing for me is feeling like a failure when it comes to giving my hubs a child.  However, how often do we hear what our spouse thinks the worst thing is?  Do they speak of it?  Do they tell you?  Do you ask? or are you afraid to ask?  It was in that moment I asked him what he hated most about it.

This is what he had to say:

The thing I hate the most is that it has robbed me (Mrs. O) of many things: happiness, confidence, dreams, etc.  How it has robbed our marriage of the same things.  However, despite those things he says it has shown  him many wonderful things about me (Mrs. O) as well.  How I have grown into the person I am today, how though it may have taken me time to find myself again… the point is I did.  He sees my daily fight as an inspiration because many people would quit if they were in my shoes.

And here I thought he would just list off a bunch of negatives.  His comment really hit me and in a good way.  However, I had to ask how he felt about me not being able to give him a child… did he see me as a failure?  Did I rob him of his dream of having a family.  Even though part of me really didn’t want to know, I had to know how he really felt.

He said:

No he did not see me as a failure.  Even though he wants to have a child that does not mean we cannot have a child through adoption or other means.  And even if we never had a child he would still die a happy man.  Kid or no kid we are family just as we are… a child does not make us more a family than we are now.

He has a great point we are a family and we have always thought about adopting even if we had our own.  Despite that, it is still hard to not feel like I have failed him in some way, but his answers show me more of why I married him… why I fell in love with him.  God truly knew who I needed when he gave me him.  This moment made me fall in love with him even more.

So fellow Cysters have you ever asked your spouse the thing they find the worst about PCOS?  Also, what is the one thing that you find the worst?  Let me know in a comment.