Angry with God

As I sit here and stare at this blanks slate I debate on whether to share these thoughts or not.  Maybe more fearful someone will take my words wrong, but I did say I would share my journey: ups and downs. However, I won’t share the full of what happened I think there is something worth sharing because it may just help another fellow believer who is facing infertility or suffering with something in their life.

I know my faith has been tested in many ways and despite that it has not wavered me from standing my ground with faith.  Now do not mistake that as I have never cried or struggled or questioned because believe me I have.  After all I am human and faith does not make that easier to deal with.  In fact I believe it makes your life’s walk harder.  I have still questioned things, I have hurt in many ways, I have been confused, I have even wondered if God knew my struggles, even thought myself unworthy of being blessed; among other things.  I’ve probably gone through most things others who believe and face infertility.  Though I would not in a long shot consider myself perfect or blameless, but most who know me know I stick to my beliefs.  Even after being told I would never have children I refused to believe it because God can make the impossible possible.  He even showed me I could get pregnant and though I had miscarried back then I still was not mad, maybe confused, but I still kept my faith.  I chose to see the silver lining in things and trust God, even when I don’t understand.  Even with all the things I have faced I have never once questioned my love for God, nor have I been mad at Him… that is until one day last month.

Just confessing that to whomever reads this makes me cringe, but I think it would be naive to believe we don’t have a moment like this in our life for one reason or another.  Anger can manifest differently for everyone and I say I have done well considering my struggle with miscarriages and infertility has been going on for 11 plus years.

As I recall that day I remember being overwhelmed with sadness only to have anger creep up my back.  It felt like a hot wave coming over me, one that swallowed me whole; and honestly took me by great surprise. I felt consumed, so much so, I honestly do not remember everything I said.  I remember feeling like God did not care, that he had abandoned me years ago. I remember saying something about how if he was all-powerful why couldn’t he just give me the one thing I wanted: a child.  Why did He allow me to keep losing little miracles.  I remember feeling like why do I bother believing, what good comes of it.  It seems like those who don’t believe get what they want, they even seem happy, or at least happier than I am at times.  I even thought what it would be like if I joined them, just so I could be happy.  Though that was blind ideals of happiness and having a baby. I thought of how people would tell me to let God know the desires of my heart or how if I just ask I will receive.  Well, truthfully that was not working for me because believe me He knows my desires, He knows what I want and I have told Him more times than I can remember.  However, I had had enough because I didn’t think I could take anymore.  It was a breaking point, that almost consumed my faith….

I remember at one point my husband coming over to me and trying to find words that would help me, but could not.  I think at one point he thought he had lost me.  I cried the most I have cried in a long time, and looked so lost and empty.  My husband said he had never seen me like this before and was scared that it had broken me and more than anything that was the last thing he wanted to see happen.  One thing he has loved me is my unwavering faith and how I view things.  But honestly I felt like my faith was leaving me and I couldn’t keep ahold of it and at that point my husband put his hand on my head, without saying anything… he just stood there as I sat crying on the couch.  Maybe he was praying, maybe he just wanted me to know he was there for me, either way my crying began slow and I looked up at my husband and said: “I just can’t do it….” as I paused he just looked at me in question as I finished with, “I still love Him!”  “I do!  I love God!”  At that very moment I had a release that no words can describe and I felt God had hug me as a peace came over me.  At that moment both my husband and I realized it did not completely break me; I still could not part from my faith.  I was relieved to know that what I thought would break me had not.

The next couple days I still felt not complete though.  I felt like I was just walking through a haze.  Then one day as I was sitting alone on the couch I just started crying and told God I was still confused and asked what was I doing wrong?  What do I need to change so I can have the desire I most want?  I just need to know because I feel so lost.  Part of me wanted to quit, but knew He did not want me to.  I even told him how I had felt bad for losing it and being angry.  Just then I heard a still small voice tell me to me to search: how long did Job suffer.  Of course I wanted to know why, but knew better and searched those words.  I then opened the first thing I saw, and the first thing I read is a a question: Have you experienced pain and suffering? Followed by … you also may find God much closer than you thought.

As I sat there I thought back to how so many had compared me to Job throughout my life.  I had read the book of Job years ago, and thought what could I possibly get from reading this when I have already read the book of Job.  Not sure where it was going I knew God had brought me to it for a reason, and I really had nothing to lose by reading it.   Obedience paid off because I had so many questions answered, and discovered that sometimes we may not get what we need from something in God’s word until the moment is right, and that moment was that day for me.

As I kept reading it went on to explain that Job suffered because he was among the best, not because he was the worst or that he had even done anything wrong.  So the tests began for Job and God still insisted to satan that Job loved Him, and would no matter what happened. Reading further it explains how Job lashed out, suffered and was even told that he had sinned to have deserved what he was going through.  Even showed moments when he questioned God.

I started to see so much of Job’s suffering as relatable.

I have often wondered why did I end up with PCOS and why I couldn’t be healed.  Instead I have been lead to believe I had not believed hard enough for the healing or that I had done something wrong or was missing something so that is why I was not healed.  This has always added to my confusion.  On top of wondering why I had gone through other things I had and why the miscarriages.

After reading I realized that though I am not Job, I can relate.  I even wonder how many of my fellow believing Cysters or those dealing with infertility have felt the same.  If you ever felt that perhaps you were doing something wrong to deserve what you are going through.  I hope that in sharing this you will realize what I did.

Though I suffer and have suffered a lot I have not done anything wrong and in knowing this satan can no longer hold this over me.  Perhaps like Job my journey is show satan that even if I go through this trial that despite what I face I still choose to believe.  I choose to still LOVE God in spite of everything, even when I have done nothing to deserve the trials I have faced.  My choice to do so is powerful.  I am saying that God is still God no matter what, and is worthy of my love and worship.  I am putting satan in his place by showing him no matter what he is allowed to do on this earth that I along with others will still choose God.  There are those who will love Him unconditionally, just as He loves us.

So that day I thought would break me allowed for God to show me something that perhaps I would not have been able to see without it happening.  I am pretty sure that satan was using it to break me, and I am sure he had a moment where he thought he had won.  However, he was soon put in his place when I spoke, with such force, my love for God.  Though I did not realize how powerful my words were at that point, I do now.  I, also, realize God has not left me and has chosen this journey for me for a reason, just as He chooses a journey for each of us.  I hope that you will choose to love and trust Him no matter what you face, even when you have done nothing to deserve it.

In my moment of anger I found a renewed love for God and a deeper trust and understanding of my relationship with Him.  For this I am thankful.  My anger brought about something beautiful.

I LOVE Him, and I chose to TRUST Him!

A Tree’s Unspoken Words

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So there is tree at a place I know, which will remain unnamed for the privacy of the area.  I can’t help, but think how the tree looks alive, as if waving at people as they drive by.  Whether a friendly greeting or a sullen good-bye, where he wishes he could say come back.  It makes me think of the book “The Giving Tree” and how the boy had epic adventures with his tree, and how that tree loved him.

I imagine if this tree were in my yard as a child that I would have had a great many conversations and adventures with it. On the days I see this tree I am reminded of an old wise man, withered by age, who has many stories to share of things from the past.  I wonder if the stories would be happy or sad.  Would it tell me how children use to climb his trunk and swing from his branches or sit on his arm while they imaginary adventures. Does he miss times when people were outdoors, giving him a chance to witness their fun and hear their stories.  Does he miss the memories he once made with

20131106-100449.jpgfamilies that lived there years ago.  How did he feel when the first street was put in near him.  I wonder had he lost any tree friends because they needed room for a house, a road, a driveway.  Or was he always alone until new trees were planted near by.

Did he tell of his stories, to these new trees, of all he has seen so that those stories live on long after he’s gone.  Would the new trees even care, did they like the roads because that is what they knew, it is the norm.  Or would he be known as the old funny man who lived down the road, who lived in the past.  Would others think his wise words just nonsense and gibberish.   Would they wish they listened when he finally gave up, would he even be missed.  Would he miss the world as it is now or would he be ready to go on, so he could live in a dream of the past.

If only nature could talk to us, what would it say.  Would we find it disappointed in the way we do things today, would they view us as selfish, cruel or inhumane?  Or would they still love us like the tree in the book, giving us stuff till it could give us no more.  Until that day we look back realizing we have taken far too much and given so little.  Would we not even find a stump to come back to.

We need to remember to appreciate nature and the kindness bestowed upon us by God’s beautiful artistry that we see all around us in the world.  And just maybe if you listen long enough, you may just hear their words whispering in the wind or through the leaves.

Songs of My Inner Child

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There is something about being outdoors with the smell of Fall in the air. It is by far my favorite season, followed by Winter & Spring. I truly never realized how my heart yearned for the Midwest, until we came back to the area. Ten years with no seasons was something I thought I had fallen in love with. Little did I know how deceived I was – silly me for thinking I could squash my love of being outdoors.
Stepping outside today to go on a walk just awakened my favorite memories of loves I once lost.
Sun rays on my face that feel as though God is tickling my face with happiness.
The cool brisk air with a wind that brings the smells of leaves and wood that awaken my inner child. A child who wants to dance with the leaves and climb in the trees. I swear I hear the leaves calling me by name saying come and play like you once did. Gather us up so we can hide you from your troubles. Oh if for just a moment I could do just that… Jump in and burry myself and forget being an adult. To be a kid again.
My inner child has been summoned by the beauty of nature God created; singing songs of memories past. Oh to let it be free to run and play and rewind to a time when the world seemed so innocent and my imagination could take me anywhere.

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Just 1 Question

Have you ever asked a magic 8 ball a question?  Did you like the answer?  Or did you not like it and then ask it again in hopes of getting a different answer – one you would accept 🙂

I have, but never honestly do it thinking I will get a truthful answer… I do it more for the fun of it.  However, I will admit that I have asked it serious questions, but always got that the reply was hazy or ask again later.

So then I was thinking that If I could ask just one question and have an answer to it, what would it be?  I mean just one question no more and no multiple questions in the same question – just one.

If I knew I would get a truthful and honest answer to the one thing I wanted to know most… would I have the courage to do so?  There is always the possibility of getting an answer I do not like… and there is no shaking the ball to ask it again in hopes of getting a different answer.   I personally would want to ask my question from God.

However, everyone has a different walk in life so let say you could ask just one question to either God, psychic or whomever you think would be able to provide you with that one answer you wanted to know most… Do you know what you would ask?  And if you did would you ask it?  I suppose most would say yes, but I am not sure I would have enough courage to do so.  Yet again maybe I would because then I would know and I could move on and just be done with it… have my definite answer, whether I liked it or not.

I am sure many who suffer the same journey I do would ask something very similar to what I would ask.  Then I think about the fact that I may not be satisfied with just one question because the one question I have could leave many possibilities in how I get to that answer, however, if the answer was simply no then that would be that.

Suffering with infertility and after trying for so long I always ask will I ever get to be a mom?  Will I ever get that chance?  Who wouldn’t want to know when that is one of the biggest desires of your heart at this current time in life.  I would so want to know, but would be heartbroken if I heard no I will never get to be a mom… however, I believe that if that were the case I would be able to make it through it with God’s help and trust He knows best.  Though it would still be heartbreaking.

But, lets say I was told yes I would… then I would wonder – when and how.  Would it be biologically or through adoption?  And when would it happen soon or would I still have to wait longer – like years.  Oh, the joys of wanting to know something that an answer may not even satisfy.

So, if you had one question what would it be?   Also, would you ever have the courage to ask it or would you truly not want to know the answer knowing the possibility you may not want to hear it?

Fear: Alone in the End

So I was sitting here just thinking and for some reason the weirdest thought came to me.  Why I even thought about it is beyond me or where it even came from is a bit boggling… either way it had me wondering about a fear I never really knew I had until now.  A fear of being alone in the end… and not just any type of alone the alone feeling a non-parent would probably only have… let me clarify.

I was thinking about the fact that when you are old you get to enjoy watching your children grow and their children.  The joy of being a grandparent and knowing your family line goes on.  Watching your little family keep on growing and living on.  Just the knowing that a piece of you will live on in each one of those individuals. It probably gives you some sort of peace in knowing this and that when the time comes for you to take on your next journey in life you will have a sense of happiness in knowing these things.

But what happens when it cannot or does not?  I mean it is a possibility this is what will happen to my hubs and I; not that I want it to or am giving up on the dream of being a mom some day.  I then thought how I never want to be in a nursing home, but what if I was??  Who would come visit me??  Besides my husband, I mean I would have no children or grandchildren to care for me or visit me (not that I want to have to be taken care of).  The bigger fear was in having  no one to share my husband’s and I’s little family traditions, hopes, dreams, life’s stories with.  Having those things passed on to anyone.  As if when my husband and I are gone that part of the family line vanishes a little each day until each person who may have known you is gone.  Pretty sad actually, but there you have it.  An unkind and unwanted morbid thought that crossed my mind.

It really just hit like a ton of bricks that if I come to the terms of accepting I will never be a mom I have to grasp the reality of this fear.  Or more so a thought of unhappiness.  It really makes me sick to my stomach actually to think about it.  Even while I write this and the only reason I am sharing this is I am hoping I am not the only one who has thought this or perhaps even if you had not, that by reading this, it will be realized I am not alone in this semi morbid thought.

How I wish that no one would ever have to feel this way or face infertility.  How I wish more than anything that someone or somehow we would be blessed with a child and not that it even has to be by birth.  Even if it was someone who said here we have a child you can adopt or that some day we would get an anonymous gift of money (or a not anonymous) that would pay for an adoption.  More than that I hope this for all those out there who suffer as we do and deserve to have their little miracle bundle of joy.

 

Cancer Miracle

I am not one to question things as it is easier to tell myself “things happen for a reason”.  I suppose it is more the fact that what is done is done and there is no going back, no changing what happened, no do over… you either learn from it and move on, or learn to deal with it and move on, or ignore it altogether.  May not be choices we always like, but a choice nonetheless.

Life is full of choices if you are honest with yourself every thing you have ever done or dealt with you are face with a choice or choices.  Not always ones we want to choose from, but such is life.  Well, one of those days where I had choices I did not really like to pick from happened when I found three lumps in my armpit.

First it started out with just two and then another formed that was super painful.  I let it go for some time, but I had to face the fact that I had to make a choice: a choose to ignore it or choose to go to doctors.  I knew I really didn’t want to ignore it, but part of me thought I should it will go away.  However, the truth is it wasn’t.  Or I could go to the doctors and get answers and as good as that sounded I really didn’t want to go for fear of hearing something bad.

It took me three tries to see a doctor due to weather, which was oh so fun.  The call had me thinking of cancer the whole time because they said that is why they needed to check out the lumps because you should not have a lump in your pit.  So this left me with more choices: choose to freak out or to trust God.  And as much as I try to say I am trusting him I am still human and have to constantly remind myself not to freak out.  Trusting Him fully is never an easy task and I would be a liar if I said it was easy.  Sure it is easy when things are going good, but when they aren’t we are tested big time.

Well, to shorten a story and not draw it out I finally saw doctor who could not explain why the lumps had gotten smaller in the week.  He had never seen anything like that.  To me I was like “I’ll take the miracle and not question it”.  Who in their right mind wouldn’t 😉  He said or it could be due to glumetza that I am on because that has been known to help treat cancer of sorts.  I still gave the glory to God because if it wasn’t for Him leading me to take that I could have found a far different outcome.

I am for doing things natural and honestly do not like taking drugs, but for some reason last year I had decided to start taking it because of the feeling I needed to be taking it.  So to me it is still a blessing for listening to what He told me to do.

I still have to do checkups and followups to make sure nothing has come back.  The doctor also told me how it is beneficial to check your underarms when doing self breast exams because cancer can start there and it is not normal to have a lump in the armpit unless you have just started shaving or using deodorant.

So this is my cancer scare in a nutshell and am still thankful for the outcome 🙂

Never Take Life for Granted!

ImageFive years ago on Easter I almost died.  Some of you may have read my story last year (on my other blog) and to some this may be new.  But since every time around this year I count my blessings twice, if not more, that I am still alive.

There are no words to explain how thankful to Christ I am, that He chose to let me live and there are no words to say how awesome He is either, but God knows that I am.

It’s a funny thing when you feel death come over you, okay maybe not really funny, but really the funny part is what crossed my mind before I thought I’d die.  So not what I expected it to be.  Ever watch movies when peoples lives flash before their eyes as they are dying… yea well I thought that would be how it was.  Or that I would think of all the things I regretted or did wrong or what (if any) unsettled business I would leave behind.  Ironically though those things never crossed my mind.  I really felt peaceful, no fighting not to let go, just peace and a calmness that felt comforting.  The only thing I thought was God please let my hubs know I love him and my family too.  And sorry for anything wrong I had done and then I let go.  That’s it… no bad thoughts, just those… and that is the last thing I remember.

The strangest thing I remember about the experience is the feeling of my body shutting down, it had had enough and was quitting.  Whether I wanted it to or not, I had not say.  Surprisingly I did not care much to put up a fight cause I just felt tired.  But if felt like everything was going in slow motion… my heart beat was all I heard, besides my few last thoughts.  Hearing my heart beat the way I did was strange… no words for how it sounded… not creepy, sorta strange, but calming too… yeah strange I know.

You see three days before Easter I was woken by a sharp stabbing pain in my ear (like something bit or stung me)… it hurt so bad that I so instantly had to go to the bathroom… so I got out of bed and started to the bathroom, which was like ten steps away.  In that time my ear swelled shut and was flaming hot.  Of course it kind of freaked me out so I yelled for my husband, who took one look at it and decided we were going to the ER.

Well, all they knew is that I possible was bit or stung by something… what?… they have no idea.  So they gave me drops (for when the swelling went down) and an extra strong antibiotic to take.  So I went home and for the next couple days kept taking the drops and pills… but despite this I still wasn’t feeling any better… actually I was feeling worse.

Then came Easter Sunday and my stubborn butt insisted on going to church…. let’s explain how much of a mess I was… my hands and feet were crayon red and itched something fierce, my olive tone to my skin was gone, I felt sick, the white parts of my eyes were all red, dark black circles under my eyes… simply put I looked like death.

Even with all of that something inside me kept saying go to church (now looking back I know that was God).  So after so fussing cause my hubs so didn’t think it was a good idea, but decided it was not worth fighting about so we went.  And lets just say I barely made it through it.  At the end we quickly left and my husband was going to go home, but something told him to take me to the ER (again God) and just as he got me to the ER is when everything went down hill.  My heart rate was off the chart and I started having a hard time breathing.

The next thing I know is the are throwing me in a wheel chair and ripping my clothes off (lets just say I didn’t like that part)… right in front of everyone.  Now normally I would have freaked cause hey I don’t want people seeing me naked.  But I couldn’t fight it.  My husband was freaked and he said he had never seen so many people so quickly rip someone’s clothes off.  They quickly rushed me to a room hooked me up to a machine and started an IV and heart thingy (can’t remember what it’s called) and slapped some needle in my arm twice… There was so many people my hubs said that he thought I was gonna die.  I guess them getting the heart zapping machine out freaked him out a bit, but it was for just in case my heart flat lined. The last thing he remembers me saying is I love you and reaching for his hand… I don’t remember saying that or doing it and I do not remember any of the shots etc.  Last thing I remember is them ripping my clothes off and wheeling me down the hall.

Thinking about it to this day feels like something out of a movie… sometimes I cannot believe that was me or that it happened to me.  Once I finally woke back up… many many hours later… the doctor explained that I was having an allergic reaction to Sulfa.  I was confused cause when I think of allergic reaction I think of something that causes symptoms quicker, but the doctor explained that with sulfa it attaches itself to things in your body and when my body rejected it my body tried killing it and since it was attached to my body my body was killing itself.  So the effects of are different, but basically my body slowly kills itself, which is why I felt sick and wasn’t getting better.  One common sign of a reaction to sulfa is having your hands and feet turn crayon red.

He did ask me why I didn’t come in sooner when I wasn’t feeling good… and honestly I said I was just thinking that whatever bit did a doozy on me.  I never thought I was having an allergic reaction, I mean why would I.

He said you truly have someone watching out for you and how everything played out happened just the way it was suppose too.  Had I just stayed in bed I would have died in my sleep.  My husband would have come in to find me and it would have been to late.  He explained that most people die from reactions to sulfa because they don’t feel good and just try to sleep it off only to die in their sleep.  If my hubs did not go to ER instead of going home the doctor said I would have probably died because I would have shut down and by the time someone got to me my air way would have been closed off.  Either way you slice it I am super blessed to be alive today.

The reality of what happened or could of happened is mind boggling.  And still to this day I am thankful for every year the Easter comes around cause it reminds me that God is not finished with me yet and I have more things to do yet.

Just a reminder to count your blessings and never take for granted the blessings and miracles God does in your life, whether big or small to you God meant them for you so that is always something awesome to have.