Life with Infertility

Very True!

I really hope you will take a minute to read this.  Truly it is a must read for anyone who knows us personally, but also for anyone who knows someone facing infertility.  I feel to often it is far easier for people not to actually try to see what it is like from our point of view – to see a glimpse of what we face.   To understand that we do not just need to relax or stop trying – that there is so much more to it than that.

Please read this article: Infertility Etiquette <=== click here, I know it is a bit long, but it would mean a lot to us.

It is a little glimpse of what it is like for us and for others facing fertility issues.  Hopefully, it will help you understand a bit more what it is like to hear what we hear or be in our shoes.

Writing My Overcomer Story?

It is no secret, or at least in this house, that I love Mandisa.  The strangest thing is I fell in love with her music before even discovering she had been on American Idol.  I know you may think that sounds strange, but I don’t watch much TV.  We do not even have cable – just Netflix and huluplus, which I do not watch that much.

Anyways, I was able to watch her new video for her song: Overcomer and was so touched by those that had struggled in that video.  It made me think of how what I am facing could be so much worse than it is.  Yes I wish I did not have weight issues because of PCOS, and I wish I did not have to deal with Infertility issues, but in the grand scheme of things I do have control over certain aspects of this journey.

Here is a pic to her new album 🙂 Someday it would be great to meet her in person.

I do not have to give in or give up.  I can choose to keep on fighting and I can choose to work my bootay off to get my weight under control.  Yeah it is going to be a lot of work, and I mean A LOT, but when I think of it there are people who have conquered bigger obstacles than that.  Her song had me thinking of when is it my turn to write my Overcomer story?  I mean the longer I wait to write it the less chance I have of having that opportunity.  There are so many health issues that can arise from having PCOS that if I do not do something now, I may not have a second chance to do so.

It is time to wake up and realize I am not alone in my trials – everyone has them.  After hearing the song and watching the video it has inspired me to write my story – and it starts today.  It is not about even sharing that story or being known for it – at this point I am writing that story for ME.  No one else.  However, I hope to share parts of my journey of course and in the process I surely hope it helps someone else with PCOS know they are not alone and that it is possible to fight – even if it feels impossible.  I have been up and down with my weight since 2003, and that is a long time – however I still have a chance to make a change and when you have that you should take it.  So that is what I am going to do 🙂

I love a lot of Mandisa’s songs and a lot of them have helped me overcome things and look at things differently and for that I am thankful.  This new song of hers had done just that, and I cannot wait to be an overcomer of my obstacles – of PCOS.

Cause if I am truthful with myself – and I am sure I am not the only one – I know I do not give it 100% all the time when it comes to weight loss.  It is hard, extremely hard – and that is putting it lightly.  It makes me feel discouraged and want to give up – and I do at times.  I think we like to fool ourselves into thinking we tried, but really we only partly try.  We give in or give up after we do not see the results we want in a week or two.  Or even a month or more sometimes.  Or there are other things that get in our way – such as my fear of going through another miscarriage, because every time I push myself and give 100% I end up getting pregnant, but then having a miscarriage 😦 So then I just want to not try because it is never fun going through that experience.  However, it is time to move forward and if I do not I am only harming myself and my dreams.

Cancer Miracle

I am not one to question things as it is easier to tell myself “things happen for a reason”.  I suppose it is more the fact that what is done is done and there is no going back, no changing what happened, no do over… you either learn from it and move on, or learn to deal with it and move on, or ignore it altogether.  May not be choices we always like, but a choice nonetheless.

Life is full of choices if you are honest with yourself every thing you have ever done or dealt with you are face with a choice or choices.  Not always ones we want to choose from, but such is life.  Well, one of those days where I had choices I did not really like to pick from happened when I found three lumps in my armpit.

First it started out with just two and then another formed that was super painful.  I let it go for some time, but I had to face the fact that I had to make a choice: a choose to ignore it or choose to go to doctors.  I knew I really didn’t want to ignore it, but part of me thought I should it will go away.  However, the truth is it wasn’t.  Or I could go to the doctors and get answers and as good as that sounded I really didn’t want to go for fear of hearing something bad.

It took me three tries to see a doctor due to weather, which was oh so fun.  The call had me thinking of cancer the whole time because they said that is why they needed to check out the lumps because you should not have a lump in your pit.  So this left me with more choices: choose to freak out or to trust God.  And as much as I try to say I am trusting him I am still human and have to constantly remind myself not to freak out.  Trusting Him fully is never an easy task and I would be a liar if I said it was easy.  Sure it is easy when things are going good, but when they aren’t we are tested big time.

Well, to shorten a story and not draw it out I finally saw doctor who could not explain why the lumps had gotten smaller in the week.  He had never seen anything like that.  To me I was like “I’ll take the miracle and not question it”.  Who in their right mind wouldn’t 😉  He said or it could be due to glumetza that I am on because that has been known to help treat cancer of sorts.  I still gave the glory to God because if it wasn’t for Him leading me to take that I could have found a far different outcome.

I am for doing things natural and honestly do not like taking drugs, but for some reason last year I had decided to start taking it because of the feeling I needed to be taking it.  So to me it is still a blessing for listening to what He told me to do.

I still have to do checkups and followups to make sure nothing has come back.  The doctor also told me how it is beneficial to check your underarms when doing self breast exams because cancer can start there and it is not normal to have a lump in the armpit unless you have just started shaving or using deodorant.

So this is my cancer scare in a nutshell and am still thankful for the outcome 🙂

Saying Good-Bye

So we are writing this as we say good-bye to yet another.  We would have written about this earlier, however, we went to see family for Christmas (early) and because of the circumstances I became sick and am now just starting to feel “normal” again.  We even debated on whether to share this or not, but in the end we told ourselves it is part of our journey to fill our nest; and besides we’ve never held back before.  So why start now.

So for those who have followed regularly on my ferning and have wondered what it meant I can tell you it is, to me, good news versus bad.  Though the result is sad/bad news I must see the silver lining.  The good news first is I was pregnant 🙂 woot woot.

However, on 12/12/12 the flood gates opened and we said good-bye to our 3rd little angel.  I am sad, or I should say we are sad and though most do not understand how we are the way we are when faced with sad circumstances yet again… we choose to see the positives and focus on those rather than the things that make us sad.  Perhaps it is a coping mechanism, however you want to call it.. it is what it is and I’d rather us be that way then the other.  For if it were that way we’d be in a deep, and I mean deep, hole and would never come out again.

We in a sense were prepared that it may happen because it was so long since I had a cycle, March 2012 to November 2012… that is a lot of months in between.  And the cycle in November was not enough in my eyes to have cleaned out all the old lining.  With that being the case it was a high chance that the lining was not healthy enough to carry to term.  Despite this we still hoped and prayed just maybe it would stick, but it did not. When the lining is old it is toxic and not an ideal situation for the egg to grow and mature.  However, I am sure everything and then some is out now.

We have had our time to grieve and do as we needed once we got back home.  I think the hardest part was that we didn’t really get to grieve fully till a couple of days ago.  To really think about it and let it sit in.  The reason for this is it happened the night before we left to go home and see family.  Call me insane I insisted on going anyways because we have not been with family for a holiday in like 5 years and it usually never happens.  Plus, I did not want to ruin anyones holiday with our sad news.  So Mr. O and I kept our mouth shut, sucked it up and went home.  We did not tell anyone except our moms, which even then we did not plan on doing.  Since I was bleeding so much, I cannot remember how many times I bleed through my pants (in public no less) and had to wash and change them.  I was wearing the ultra tampons (didn’t have a choice) with a pad and bleeding through them in less than an hour.  This is no joke.  This went on until that Sunday, and Sunday it started to die down a bit.

So in this happening we tried to play it off as if Aunt Flo had come for a visit, but Mr. O figured with his mom being a nurse would know better, so he told her when I was in the bathroom at one point dealing with another mess.  And as for my mom finding out, it happened in a round about way, which was not planned at all.  None of our other family knew what was going on with me and I wanted to keep it this way.  If you are a family member and now just reading this, please do not be mad that we did not say anything.  It was for sanity and personal reasons at that point.

Well, then we got back home and because I did not let my body just rest and I was losing so much blood I ended up getting sick this last week 😦 which is was not fun.  I know I should have rested more and probably should have stayed home, but I would not change my choice to see family if I had to do it all over again.  I miss my family dearly and I wanted to see them.  On top of that my grandparents are not getting any younger and I want every chance I can to see them.

So we went and bought balloons and let them go, as way to say good-bye to the one we just lost and to say we are thinking about all three of our angels this Christmas.  We got a star shaped balloon and picked the color for the months birthstone we lost them in.  So we got a red one for the first one we lost in January, an orange for the 2nd one we lost in November, and a blue for this one we just lost this December.

We, also, lit 3 candles… one for each one we lost and they are still burning as I write this.  They have been going since this morning and we will let them keep burning till they go out on their own.  There is a picture below 🙂

We did a little video if you want to check it out on our vlog channel: click here.  It is a short quick video and would love for you to watch it.  It is about a minute and a half.

In the end we are staying positive in thoughts because it shows I am making progress with my weight loss and that I am ovulating again and hormones are balancing 🙂 all these are positives to us.  We are not giving up yet and will of course keep you posted.  We have decided not to check ferning for the rest of this month and we might not in January because of what has happened.  I just want to focus on my weight loss as originally planned, as I know now that I am ovulating.  If it happens it happens, but I want my focus on becoming healthy again and kicking PCOS… you know.  I may change my mind, we will see.

If you have any questions I may have not touched on please feel free to ask in a comment to this post and I will answer.  Do not be afraid to ask, as the reason we share this story and the rest of our journey we do not mind answering your questions.  There is not TMI to us.

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