Angry with God

As I sit here and stare at this blanks slate I debate on whether to share these thoughts or not.  Maybe more fearful someone will take my words wrong, but I did say I would share my journey: ups and downs. However, I won’t share the full of what happened I think there is something worth sharing because it may just help another fellow believer who is facing infertility or suffering with something in their life.

I know my faith has been tested in many ways and despite that it has not wavered me from standing my ground with faith.  Now do not mistake that as I have never cried or struggled or questioned because believe me I have.  After all I am human and faith does not make that easier to deal with.  In fact I believe it makes your life’s walk harder.  I have still questioned things, I have hurt in many ways, I have been confused, I have even wondered if God knew my struggles, even thought myself unworthy of being blessed; among other things.  I’ve probably gone through most things others who believe and face infertility.  Though I would not in a long shot consider myself perfect or blameless, but most who know me know I stick to my beliefs.  Even after being told I would never have children I refused to believe it because God can make the impossible possible.  He even showed me I could get pregnant and though I had miscarried back then I still was not mad, maybe confused, but I still kept my faith.  I chose to see the silver lining in things and trust God, even when I don’t understand.  Even with all the things I have faced I have never once questioned my love for God, nor have I been mad at Him… that is until one day last month.

Just confessing that to whomever reads this makes me cringe, but I think it would be naive to believe we don’t have a moment like this in our life for one reason or another.  Anger can manifest differently for everyone and I say I have done well considering my struggle with miscarriages and infertility has been going on for 11 plus years.

As I recall that day I remember being overwhelmed with sadness only to have anger creep up my back.  It felt like a hot wave coming over me, one that swallowed me whole; and honestly took me by great surprise. I felt consumed, so much so, I honestly do not remember everything I said.  I remember feeling like God did not care, that he had abandoned me years ago. I remember saying something about how if he was all-powerful why couldn’t he just give me the one thing I wanted: a child.  Why did He allow me to keep losing little miracles.  I remember feeling like why do I bother believing, what good comes of it.  It seems like those who don’t believe get what they want, they even seem happy, or at least happier than I am at times.  I even thought what it would be like if I joined them, just so I could be happy.  Though that was blind ideals of happiness and having a baby. I thought of how people would tell me to let God know the desires of my heart or how if I just ask I will receive.  Well, truthfully that was not working for me because believe me He knows my desires, He knows what I want and I have told Him more times than I can remember.  However, I had had enough because I didn’t think I could take anymore.  It was a breaking point, that almost consumed my faith….

I remember at one point my husband coming over to me and trying to find words that would help me, but could not.  I think at one point he thought he had lost me.  I cried the most I have cried in a long time, and looked so lost and empty.  My husband said he had never seen me like this before and was scared that it had broken me and more than anything that was the last thing he wanted to see happen.  One thing he has loved me is my unwavering faith and how I view things.  But honestly I felt like my faith was leaving me and I couldn’t keep ahold of it and at that point my husband put his hand on my head, without saying anything… he just stood there as I sat crying on the couch.  Maybe he was praying, maybe he just wanted me to know he was there for me, either way my crying began slow and I looked up at my husband and said: “I just can’t do it….” as I paused he just looked at me in question as I finished with, “I still love Him!”  “I do!  I love God!”  At that very moment I had a release that no words can describe and I felt God had hug me as a peace came over me.  At that moment both my husband and I realized it did not completely break me; I still could not part from my faith.  I was relieved to know that what I thought would break me had not.

The next couple days I still felt not complete though.  I felt like I was just walking through a haze.  Then one day as I was sitting alone on the couch I just started crying and told God I was still confused and asked what was I doing wrong?  What do I need to change so I can have the desire I most want?  I just need to know because I feel so lost.  Part of me wanted to quit, but knew He did not want me to.  I even told him how I had felt bad for losing it and being angry.  Just then I heard a still small voice tell me to me to search: how long did Job suffer.  Of course I wanted to know why, but knew better and searched those words.  I then opened the first thing I saw, and the first thing I read is a a question: Have you experienced pain and suffering? Followed by … you also may find God much closer than you thought.

As I sat there I thought back to how so many had compared me to Job throughout my life.  I had read the book of Job years ago, and thought what could I possibly get from reading this when I have already read the book of Job.  Not sure where it was going I knew God had brought me to it for a reason, and I really had nothing to lose by reading it.   Obedience paid off because I had so many questions answered, and discovered that sometimes we may not get what we need from something in God’s word until the moment is right, and that moment was that day for me.

As I kept reading it went on to explain that Job suffered because he was among the best, not because he was the worst or that he had even done anything wrong.  So the tests began for Job and God still insisted to satan that Job loved Him, and would no matter what happened. Reading further it explains how Job lashed out, suffered and was even told that he had sinned to have deserved what he was going through.  Even showed moments when he questioned God.

I started to see so much of Job’s suffering as relatable.

I have often wondered why did I end up with PCOS and why I couldn’t be healed.  Instead I have been lead to believe I had not believed hard enough for the healing or that I had done something wrong or was missing something so that is why I was not healed.  This has always added to my confusion.  On top of wondering why I had gone through other things I had and why the miscarriages.

After reading I realized that though I am not Job, I can relate.  I even wonder how many of my fellow believing Cysters or those dealing with infertility have felt the same.  If you ever felt that perhaps you were doing something wrong to deserve what you are going through.  I hope that in sharing this you will realize what I did.

Though I suffer and have suffered a lot I have not done anything wrong and in knowing this satan can no longer hold this over me.  Perhaps like Job my journey is show satan that even if I go through this trial that despite what I face I still choose to believe.  I choose to still LOVE God in spite of everything, even when I have done nothing to deserve the trials I have faced.  My choice to do so is powerful.  I am saying that God is still God no matter what, and is worthy of my love and worship.  I am putting satan in his place by showing him no matter what he is allowed to do on this earth that I along with others will still choose God.  There are those who will love Him unconditionally, just as He loves us.

So that day I thought would break me allowed for God to show me something that perhaps I would not have been able to see without it happening.  I am pretty sure that satan was using it to break me, and I am sure he had a moment where he thought he had won.  However, he was soon put in his place when I spoke, with such force, my love for God.  Though I did not realize how powerful my words were at that point, I do now.  I, also, realize God has not left me and has chosen this journey for me for a reason, just as He chooses a journey for each of us.  I hope that you will choose to love and trust Him no matter what you face, even when you have done nothing to deserve it.

In my moment of anger I found a renewed love for God and a deeper trust and understanding of my relationship with Him.  For this I am thankful.  My anger brought about something beautiful.

I LOVE Him, and I chose to TRUST Him!

Life with Infertility

Very True!

I really hope you will take a minute to read this.  Truly it is a must read for anyone who knows us personally, but also for anyone who knows someone facing infertility.  I feel to often it is far easier for people not to actually try to see what it is like from our point of view – to see a glimpse of what we face.   To understand that we do not just need to relax or stop trying – that there is so much more to it than that.

Please read this article: Infertility Etiquette <=== click here, I know it is a bit long, but it would mean a lot to us.

It is a little glimpse of what it is like for us and for others facing fertility issues.  Hopefully, it will help you understand a bit more what it is like to hear what we hear or be in our shoes.

It’ll Be Okay…. We’ll Get a Dog

We finally went and saw the movie we saw a preview for back in April (we mentioned it in this post: God, Surprise Me!).  I thought it would hit home some what, but little did I realize how much it would.

So for those who have seen it, will know what scene I am talking about and those who don’t here is a brief run down… the couple was driving back home after being told there was nothing more that could be done for them to have a kid of their own.  Well, there was this moment when she was crying and said something like… It’ll be okay, we’ll get a dog.  Then she pauses and finally says but I don’t want a dog.  It really just hit me.

I mean I knew exactly what she meant and how she felt.  Nothing can replace the desire to have a child; sadly not even a dog.  I mean maybe to some degree it helps, but it is not the same.  I have two fur babies whom I love dearly, and to me are part of the family, and like our kids, but to me it is still not the same and it does not take away the desire to have a child.

Have you ever felt that way?  Felt like when you were at the end of your rope or even part way there… that you thought about getting something to fill that void.  Hoping it would help, but realized it would not or could not.  To be honest it is partly why I wanted a pup in the first place, but I will say it did not get rid of that desire, not in the least.  Though it does help in some ways, in easing the pain to a degree.

The other thing that really hit me was that it reminded me to never give up.  We should not give up on a dream.  It, also, shows you that when one door closes you can open another one… adoption is always and option.

This movie really had my hubs and I talking.  He shared what point stuck out to him the most, which I thought was going to be the one I said (about getting a dog) but it wasn’t.

The part that stuck out to him was the part where they are in the elevator and a mom gets into the elevator with her child.  He said no one would get how hard that was for them.  How having to hear that there was nothing more that could be done and then having to see a child, let alone someone who has a child.  This made me see my hubs in a whole new light.  Sometimes he really does not share how he feels about certain things.

He then went on to say how people don’t always get how hard it is for us to see other have kids in general.  How they get to be happy, how they can pop kids out left and right…. how it hurts us because we want one of our own so bad.  And what gets to him the most is the fact that some people even complain about having those kids, when we would give anything to be going through those crappy moments… because it would mean that we had what we wanted most.

He is so right.  It is hard to see those things or to hear those things.  Or how we should be thankful we do not have kids cause we can do whatever we want and how we have all the time in the world together.  But this is not true.  We do not have all the extra time in the world; we are both busy people… and at this point there really isn’t much else we want to do as just a couple, but then to have a kid to care for.  Oh, and the other thing is how some people will say to me that I should be glad to not have to go through being pregnant… that one gets to me cause I really want that experience.

So many things running through our head, but at the end of the day we have come to realize we are not and will not give up yet.  Oh, and that we loved the movie despite how close it hit to home.

How many of you have felt this way or had these experiences?

Jamming with My BFF

 

I’ve really never been one to use the term: BFF.  However, I felt it was the perfect title to this post….

I was on my way home from work and since it was so nice out I decided to roll down the windows.  With the wind blowing across my face and my tunes jamming “FREE” by Mandisa, and then “He Can Handle It” by Bebe and CeCe Winans.  Music loud enough to drown out my singing 😉 as I will not profess to be a great singer.

However, as I was singing and driving I felt like for a minute I was in the car with my friends back in HS, when you are driving and singing and just enjoying your girl time… well, that is how I felt however, I saw Jesus sitting in the passenger seat jamming along with me.

For a second I just smiled and laughed.  I’ve never had that happen before and was thinking how strange for that thought to pop into my head… but hey why not.  Why shouldn’t we think of Jesus as someone we can just talk too or hang out with.  I guess I find so often that we label Him as someone so serious.  Not to say He isn’t, but why not put Him in the group where He is someone, like a BFF, riding in the car and jamming to the tunes with you?

I for one liked the idea and it felt calming.  It was well worth happening even if I am the only one it has happened to… even if it comes across as corn ballish 🙂  Hey… Jesus is my B.F.F.