A Tree’s Unspoken Words

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So there is tree at a place I know, which will remain unnamed for the privacy of the area.  I can’t help, but think how the tree looks alive, as if waving at people as they drive by.  Whether a friendly greeting or a sullen good-bye, where he wishes he could say come back.  It makes me think of the book “The Giving Tree” and how the boy had epic adventures with his tree, and how that tree loved him.

I imagine if this tree were in my yard as a child that I would have had a great many conversations and adventures with it. On the days I see this tree I am reminded of an old wise man, withered by age, who has many stories to share of things from the past.  I wonder if the stories would be happy or sad.  Would it tell me how children use to climb his trunk and swing from his branches or sit on his arm while they imaginary adventures. Does he miss times when people were outdoors, giving him a chance to witness their fun and hear their stories.  Does he miss the memories he once made with

20131106-100449.jpgfamilies that lived there years ago.  How did he feel when the first street was put in near him.  I wonder had he lost any tree friends because they needed room for a house, a road, a driveway.  Or was he always alone until new trees were planted near by.

Did he tell of his stories, to these new trees, of all he has seen so that those stories live on long after he’s gone.  Would the new trees even care, did they like the roads because that is what they knew, it is the norm.  Or would he be known as the old funny man who lived down the road, who lived in the past.  Would others think his wise words just nonsense and gibberish.   Would they wish they listened when he finally gave up, would he even be missed.  Would he miss the world as it is now or would he be ready to go on, so he could live in a dream of the past.

If only nature could talk to us, what would it say.  Would we find it disappointed in the way we do things today, would they view us as selfish, cruel or inhumane?  Or would they still love us like the tree in the book, giving us stuff till it could give us no more.  Until that day we look back realizing we have taken far too much and given so little.  Would we not even find a stump to come back to.

We need to remember to appreciate nature and the kindness bestowed upon us by God’s beautiful artistry that we see all around us in the world.  And just maybe if you listen long enough, you may just hear their words whispering in the wind or through the leaves.

Songs of My Inner Child

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There is something about being outdoors with the smell of Fall in the air. It is by far my favorite season, followed by Winter & Spring. I truly never realized how my heart yearned for the Midwest, until we came back to the area. Ten years with no seasons was something I thought I had fallen in love with. Little did I know how deceived I was – silly me for thinking I could squash my love of being outdoors.
Stepping outside today to go on a walk just awakened my favorite memories of loves I once lost.
Sun rays on my face that feel as though God is tickling my face with happiness.
The cool brisk air with a wind that brings the smells of leaves and wood that awaken my inner child. A child who wants to dance with the leaves and climb in the trees. I swear I hear the leaves calling me by name saying come and play like you once did. Gather us up so we can hide you from your troubles. Oh if for just a moment I could do just that… Jump in and burry myself and forget being an adult. To be a kid again.
My inner child has been summoned by the beauty of nature God created; singing songs of memories past. Oh to let it be free to run and play and rewind to a time when the world seemed so innocent and my imagination could take me anywhere.

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Saying Good-Bye

So we are writing this as we say good-bye to yet another.  We would have written about this earlier, however, we went to see family for Christmas (early) and because of the circumstances I became sick and am now just starting to feel “normal” again.  We even debated on whether to share this or not, but in the end we told ourselves it is part of our journey to fill our nest; and besides we’ve never held back before.  So why start now.

So for those who have followed regularly on my ferning and have wondered what it meant I can tell you it is, to me, good news versus bad.  Though the result is sad/bad news I must see the silver lining.  The good news first is I was pregnant 🙂 woot woot.

However, on 12/12/12 the flood gates opened and we said good-bye to our 3rd little angel.  I am sad, or I should say we are sad and though most do not understand how we are the way we are when faced with sad circumstances yet again… we choose to see the positives and focus on those rather than the things that make us sad.  Perhaps it is a coping mechanism, however you want to call it.. it is what it is and I’d rather us be that way then the other.  For if it were that way we’d be in a deep, and I mean deep, hole and would never come out again.

We in a sense were prepared that it may happen because it was so long since I had a cycle, March 2012 to November 2012… that is a lot of months in between.  And the cycle in November was not enough in my eyes to have cleaned out all the old lining.  With that being the case it was a high chance that the lining was not healthy enough to carry to term.  Despite this we still hoped and prayed just maybe it would stick, but it did not. When the lining is old it is toxic and not an ideal situation for the egg to grow and mature.  However, I am sure everything and then some is out now.

We have had our time to grieve and do as we needed once we got back home.  I think the hardest part was that we didn’t really get to grieve fully till a couple of days ago.  To really think about it and let it sit in.  The reason for this is it happened the night before we left to go home and see family.  Call me insane I insisted on going anyways because we have not been with family for a holiday in like 5 years and it usually never happens.  Plus, I did not want to ruin anyones holiday with our sad news.  So Mr. O and I kept our mouth shut, sucked it up and went home.  We did not tell anyone except our moms, which even then we did not plan on doing.  Since I was bleeding so much, I cannot remember how many times I bleed through my pants (in public no less) and had to wash and change them.  I was wearing the ultra tampons (didn’t have a choice) with a pad and bleeding through them in less than an hour.  This is no joke.  This went on until that Sunday, and Sunday it started to die down a bit.

So in this happening we tried to play it off as if Aunt Flo had come for a visit, but Mr. O figured with his mom being a nurse would know better, so he told her when I was in the bathroom at one point dealing with another mess.  And as for my mom finding out, it happened in a round about way, which was not planned at all.  None of our other family knew what was going on with me and I wanted to keep it this way.  If you are a family member and now just reading this, please do not be mad that we did not say anything.  It was for sanity and personal reasons at that point.

Well, then we got back home and because I did not let my body just rest and I was losing so much blood I ended up getting sick this last week 😦 which is was not fun.  I know I should have rested more and probably should have stayed home, but I would not change my choice to see family if I had to do it all over again.  I miss my family dearly and I wanted to see them.  On top of that my grandparents are not getting any younger and I want every chance I can to see them.

So we went and bought balloons and let them go, as way to say good-bye to the one we just lost and to say we are thinking about all three of our angels this Christmas.  We got a star shaped balloon and picked the color for the months birthstone we lost them in.  So we got a red one for the first one we lost in January, an orange for the 2nd one we lost in November, and a blue for this one we just lost this December.

We, also, lit 3 candles… one for each one we lost and they are still burning as I write this.  They have been going since this morning and we will let them keep burning till they go out on their own.  There is a picture below 🙂

We did a little video if you want to check it out on our vlog channel: click here.  It is a short quick video and would love for you to watch it.  It is about a minute and a half.

In the end we are staying positive in thoughts because it shows I am making progress with my weight loss and that I am ovulating again and hormones are balancing 🙂 all these are positives to us.  We are not giving up yet and will of course keep you posted.  We have decided not to check ferning for the rest of this month and we might not in January because of what has happened.  I just want to focus on my weight loss as originally planned, as I know now that I am ovulating.  If it happens it happens, but I want my focus on becoming healthy again and kicking PCOS… you know.  I may change my mind, we will see.

If you have any questions I may have not touched on please feel free to ask in a comment to this post and I will answer.  Do not be afraid to ask, as the reason we share this story and the rest of our journey we do not mind answering your questions.  There is not TMI to us.

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It’ll Be Okay…. We’ll Get a Dog

We finally went and saw the movie we saw a preview for back in April (we mentioned it in this post: God, Surprise Me!).  I thought it would hit home some what, but little did I realize how much it would.

So for those who have seen it, will know what scene I am talking about and those who don’t here is a brief run down… the couple was driving back home after being told there was nothing more that could be done for them to have a kid of their own.  Well, there was this moment when she was crying and said something like… It’ll be okay, we’ll get a dog.  Then she pauses and finally says but I don’t want a dog.  It really just hit me.

I mean I knew exactly what she meant and how she felt.  Nothing can replace the desire to have a child; sadly not even a dog.  I mean maybe to some degree it helps, but it is not the same.  I have two fur babies whom I love dearly, and to me are part of the family, and like our kids, but to me it is still not the same and it does not take away the desire to have a child.

Have you ever felt that way?  Felt like when you were at the end of your rope or even part way there… that you thought about getting something to fill that void.  Hoping it would help, but realized it would not or could not.  To be honest it is partly why I wanted a pup in the first place, but I will say it did not get rid of that desire, not in the least.  Though it does help in some ways, in easing the pain to a degree.

The other thing that really hit me was that it reminded me to never give up.  We should not give up on a dream.  It, also, shows you that when one door closes you can open another one… adoption is always and option.

This movie really had my hubs and I talking.  He shared what point stuck out to him the most, which I thought was going to be the one I said (about getting a dog) but it wasn’t.

The part that stuck out to him was the part where they are in the elevator and a mom gets into the elevator with her child.  He said no one would get how hard that was for them.  How having to hear that there was nothing more that could be done and then having to see a child, let alone someone who has a child.  This made me see my hubs in a whole new light.  Sometimes he really does not share how he feels about certain things.

He then went on to say how people don’t always get how hard it is for us to see other have kids in general.  How they get to be happy, how they can pop kids out left and right…. how it hurts us because we want one of our own so bad.  And what gets to him the most is the fact that some people even complain about having those kids, when we would give anything to be going through those crappy moments… because it would mean that we had what we wanted most.

He is so right.  It is hard to see those things or to hear those things.  Or how we should be thankful we do not have kids cause we can do whatever we want and how we have all the time in the world together.  But this is not true.  We do not have all the extra time in the world; we are both busy people… and at this point there really isn’t much else we want to do as just a couple, but then to have a kid to care for.  Oh, and the other thing is how some people will say to me that I should be glad to not have to go through being pregnant… that one gets to me cause I really want that experience.

So many things running through our head, but at the end of the day we have come to realize we are not and will not give up yet.  Oh, and that we loved the movie despite how close it hit to home.

How many of you have felt this way or had these experiences?