A Loss is a Loss: Miscarriage Hurts Too

It is sad when anyone loses a child, but I wonder why some think that losing one due to miscarriage is some how less sad, or less painful.  I really don’t get it honestly.  I am sure it is hard for anyone, but maybe infertility puts a different twist on things because I just don’t see it that way.  Maybe this isn’t for everyone to read because some may not agree with me, but in the end this is Mr O’s and my blog, so I am free to say as I (we) please.

To me having a miscarriage doesn’t hurt less.  I don’t care if it was one week or two weeks or a month or more, it still hurts.  Period.  When someone tries to prove otherwise by saying well at least you didn’t have to give birth, that would have made it harder.  Harder than what, is what I would like to know.  I still lost my baby I don’t care how long or when I still lost them: it hurts!  Also, for those who see it as only a fetus that matters not, because I don’t!  The loss hurts more than words can say.  Maybe it hurts even more in my eyes because I suffer with infertility and it is one more reminder of my struggle and one more reminder that I don’t have what I want.  I could go on and on.

Then there’s those who say that since they carried their’s longer than I did that somehow that makes it worse.  Sorry, but nope, not in my eyes.  A loss is a loss and I think how dare you try to prove that my loss was less significant than yours.  How can they even say that mine hurt less than their’s did.  It truly infuriates me.  Do not tell me how I should feel or that you think you know what I am going through, because if you even remotely knew how I felt you would not have said those words.

Or there are those who tell me at least you didn’t have to hold them for a few minutes and then lose them; because it was really hard for them to go through. How they would have rather not gone through holding them because it hurt so bad.  I am sure it did and it was hard and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but all I can think of is how I would give anything to have that chance to hold my child, if even for a moment.  I would suffer the pain to be able to do so.  I know it wouldn’t be easy, but  I would treasure that one moment, that to me, was stolen.  I didn’t get to have that opportunity, and I wonder why they can’t see how I would love to have that blessing: to hold them. Please don’t down play how I feel just because I didn’t get to physically hold my child.

There are, also, those who will say their pain is more painful because they got time with their child, time to build memories and since they had to live with them longer it is harder to deal with.  More painful to be without them.  So since they got to spend more time with their child it someone makes my loss easier?? However, it does not.  It still hurts just the same because the things you miss are the things I wish I had.  I still long for something that has not yet come.  I only get to dream of memories I wish I could make with my child and again I would treasure that time if I was given it because I would take even just a minute with them.  To see them, feel them, touch them, smell them and to hold them.  I’d count their toes, give them Eskimo kisses, wrap their fingers around mine.  I would intake every minute I had with them and memorize it for eternity.

Or how there are those who like to say that I should be use to it since I’ve already gone through a miscarriage.  Somehow people think it is supposed to be easier the more you have??  Sorry, but just because you experience a loss more than once or twice or more times does not mean it gets easier.  Does anyone else see how silly that thought is?  Or is it just me.  You see they were each their own person, whom I will miss and grieve for.  I mean it is not like you don’t grieve for each family member or friend you lose. It is not like if you suffer your first loss of a family member and that some how you just don’t hurt when another passes.  Each loss hurts, so now you see why that is silly to say to someone.  It is not like losing another makes it any easier.  They each are a different person, one to be loved and missed, and that is no different from having multiple miscarriages.

Now if you’ve even made it this far let me explain I truly am a kind person and I try my best to see things from all points of view, but I think that sometimes letting it out or shedding some light on a situation can help someone realize what they do when they say the things they do.  I am aware that sometimes people say things with the full intention they are helping, but in the long run they are making it worse.  When someone suffers a miscarriage:  Never tell someone they should be grateful for what you think they did or did not have to go through when they have suffered a loss.  Never down play their loss as not important.  Never tell them it does not hurt as much as your loss.  Never act like a miscarriage is less painful than losing a child later in life.

My point is not that my pain is worse than someone else’s or more important.  My point to this post is that each person’s pain is real, no matter how you look at it.  In the end a loss is a loss and you don’t have the right to put someone’s pain off for less than what it is.  Instead realize that they just suffered a loss and are hurting, and find a way to be a comfort to them without saying things that only make the situation worse.  Think back to the time you were in that situation of losing your child and think back to the things people would say to you that drove you completely nutty and wish they would just shut their mouths and let you cry, vent and fall apart.  Take time to realize that sometimes all they need is someone to cry with.  Someone to listen to them and hold them.  It is often better to say no words, but just be there as a shoulder for them to cry on.  And if you have to say something, just try saying “I am sorry for your loss”. IMG_2577

 

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Life with Infertility

Very True!

I really hope you will take a minute to read this.  Truly it is a must read for anyone who knows us personally, but also for anyone who knows someone facing infertility.  I feel to often it is far easier for people not to actually try to see what it is like from our point of view – to see a glimpse of what we face.   To understand that we do not just need to relax or stop trying – that there is so much more to it than that.

Please read this article: Infertility Etiquette <=== click here, I know it is a bit long, but it would mean a lot to us.

It is a little glimpse of what it is like for us and for others facing fertility issues.  Hopefully, it will help you understand a bit more what it is like to hear what we hear or be in our shoes.

Fear: Alone in the End

So I was sitting here just thinking and for some reason the weirdest thought came to me.  Why I even thought about it is beyond me or where it even came from is a bit boggling… either way it had me wondering about a fear I never really knew I had until now.  A fear of being alone in the end… and not just any type of alone the alone feeling a non-parent would probably only have… let me clarify.

I was thinking about the fact that when you are old you get to enjoy watching your children grow and their children.  The joy of being a grandparent and knowing your family line goes on.  Watching your little family keep on growing and living on.  Just the knowing that a piece of you will live on in each one of those individuals. It probably gives you some sort of peace in knowing this and that when the time comes for you to take on your next journey in life you will have a sense of happiness in knowing these things.

But what happens when it cannot or does not?  I mean it is a possibility this is what will happen to my hubs and I; not that I want it to or am giving up on the dream of being a mom some day.  I then thought how I never want to be in a nursing home, but what if I was??  Who would come visit me??  Besides my husband, I mean I would have no children or grandchildren to care for me or visit me (not that I want to have to be taken care of).  The bigger fear was in having  no one to share my husband’s and I’s little family traditions, hopes, dreams, life’s stories with.  Having those things passed on to anyone.  As if when my husband and I are gone that part of the family line vanishes a little each day until each person who may have known you is gone.  Pretty sad actually, but there you have it.  An unkind and unwanted morbid thought that crossed my mind.

It really just hit like a ton of bricks that if I come to the terms of accepting I will never be a mom I have to grasp the reality of this fear.  Or more so a thought of unhappiness.  It really makes me sick to my stomach actually to think about it.  Even while I write this and the only reason I am sharing this is I am hoping I am not the only one who has thought this or perhaps even if you had not, that by reading this, it will be realized I am not alone in this semi morbid thought.

How I wish that no one would ever have to feel this way or face infertility.  How I wish more than anything that someone or somehow we would be blessed with a child and not that it even has to be by birth.  Even if it was someone who said here we have a child you can adopt or that some day we would get an anonymous gift of money (or a not anonymous) that would pay for an adoption.  More than that I hope this for all those out there who suffer as we do and deserve to have their little miracle bundle of joy.

 

It’ll Be Okay…. We’ll Get a Dog

We finally went and saw the movie we saw a preview for back in April (we mentioned it in this post: God, Surprise Me!).  I thought it would hit home some what, but little did I realize how much it would.

So for those who have seen it, will know what scene I am talking about and those who don’t here is a brief run down… the couple was driving back home after being told there was nothing more that could be done for them to have a kid of their own.  Well, there was this moment when she was crying and said something like… It’ll be okay, we’ll get a dog.  Then she pauses and finally says but I don’t want a dog.  It really just hit me.

I mean I knew exactly what she meant and how she felt.  Nothing can replace the desire to have a child; sadly not even a dog.  I mean maybe to some degree it helps, but it is not the same.  I have two fur babies whom I love dearly, and to me are part of the family, and like our kids, but to me it is still not the same and it does not take away the desire to have a child.

Have you ever felt that way?  Felt like when you were at the end of your rope or even part way there… that you thought about getting something to fill that void.  Hoping it would help, but realized it would not or could not.  To be honest it is partly why I wanted a pup in the first place, but I will say it did not get rid of that desire, not in the least.  Though it does help in some ways, in easing the pain to a degree.

The other thing that really hit me was that it reminded me to never give up.  We should not give up on a dream.  It, also, shows you that when one door closes you can open another one… adoption is always and option.

This movie really had my hubs and I talking.  He shared what point stuck out to him the most, which I thought was going to be the one I said (about getting a dog) but it wasn’t.

The part that stuck out to him was the part where they are in the elevator and a mom gets into the elevator with her child.  He said no one would get how hard that was for them.  How having to hear that there was nothing more that could be done and then having to see a child, let alone someone who has a child.  This made me see my hubs in a whole new light.  Sometimes he really does not share how he feels about certain things.

He then went on to say how people don’t always get how hard it is for us to see other have kids in general.  How they get to be happy, how they can pop kids out left and right…. how it hurts us because we want one of our own so bad.  And what gets to him the most is the fact that some people even complain about having those kids, when we would give anything to be going through those crappy moments… because it would mean that we had what we wanted most.

He is so right.  It is hard to see those things or to hear those things.  Or how we should be thankful we do not have kids cause we can do whatever we want and how we have all the time in the world together.  But this is not true.  We do not have all the extra time in the world; we are both busy people… and at this point there really isn’t much else we want to do as just a couple, but then to have a kid to care for.  Oh, and the other thing is how some people will say to me that I should be glad to not have to go through being pregnant… that one gets to me cause I really want that experience.

So many things running through our head, but at the end of the day we have come to realize we are not and will not give up yet.  Oh, and that we loved the movie despite how close it hit to home.

How many of you have felt this way or had these experiences?

Finding Hope, with a Dash of Peace

So the other day I was given a some hope and feel a bit of peace in this whole TTC journey.  Who would have known that someone would contact me and give me the hope I needed and help me find some peace.  I had a wonderful fellow Milspouse and Cyster contact me with some wonderful information that would help us with our TTC journey.

She had said, she thought I already knew about these options, she told me about through the military, but decided to write me anyway… and am I glad she did.  I have not been told about these options or that we do qualify for it.  She could have just not contacted us… I mean there could have been a lot of what ifs she did this or did not do this, but the point is she did contact me and that I am ever so thankful for.  You know who you are and if you are reading this thank you again.  I cannot wait to find out more information from her 🙂

So now we have been able to give more form and a timeline for what we plan to do for our journey to fill our nest.  More info to come soon, but I am just so excited that I have all these things running through my head and most of all I have renewed sense of hope; that I really needed.  I will not give up yet, but sometimes I feel like my hope flame is barely flickering and now with this new info… it’s blazing bright.

So let me say that if you ever feel lead to ask or share something with someone.. even if you are not sure or think they should or may know .. go ahead and share anyways.  It may just be what that person needed at that point… even if is just a reminder of something.  You never know what it can do for someone.